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About Me Name: Alvin Age: 20 School: none Education: none
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Whao! O level results! Though not my concern, most of my friends had got them back, while waiting anxiously for the moment they finally got their results and most of them were really happy with it! My school did really well, had like 90+ with 5 distinctions, 30+ with 6 and 7 distinctions EACH and blah blah which totals up to around 100+ with more than 5 distinctions! I am so proud man! I felt really happy for them man! Congrats guys! And for those who did well but did not meet up to your own expectations, come on... you are really great, I understand how some of you feel because I've felt that before, but anyways you need to move on, don't care about what hopes others put on you and don't compare yourself with others because the ultimate challenge in the end is yourself... yeah come on man cheer up! Cartel: $15 Cartel Sundae: $4 Movie: $6.50 Mac: $6 Mac Sundae: $2 Pool: $5.50 Anyways Huiqi shocked not only me but most of us; she got 10 points! This shows us two things: it doesn't pay to be hardworking. All you have to be is intelligent and no matter how much you slack you will still get there. The more you study the more you don't know, so screw the books. And most of the people I knew didn't get pass 14... it was really nice man! Mel got 11, Holly got 14, some of my badminton juniors got 14, Lee Shyuan got 11, and so on. Last but not least, the ultimate one: Fel you are a great seven pointer. Yeah that teaches us another thing: You must be hardworking in the correct way! Congratulations to all of you!!! I feel so damn inferior with a 15 two years ago =(. Shoot me Fel. Rambled by kaSh at 11:49 pm Sunday's sleeping day and I'm glad it rained. Ok btw this game is cool, it's called Gate to Heavens, www.gth.com.my. Oh yeah, tomorrow's the end of the month and the release of O level results, so my friends who are taking the results tomorrow, good luck to you guys! You will do great and do not worry for it man! I took mine 2 years ago, I must say time really flies... but I still can recall back the tension that was felt in the hall 2 years ago... everyone was so nervous, only the teachers' faces were filled with grins, sometimes leaking a little information about how well we did before the hour of the release of results... My form teacher's face told us our class did not disappoint her... however my Bio teacher's words and expressions indicated I had disappointed her. Playfulness and all that crap that happened resulted in my bad performance during my O levels, I hope no one I know will have that fate of mine, in fact I hope everyone I know will do better, alot better than me. 2 years later, I still have that thought of why didn't I do well in my exams, some thing which you can blame yourself, learn from it, but never return to that moment to relive and change for the better. However it is just that if I am given another chance to retake that piece of shiet examination, I will be determined to do well again... well who will wanna give that chance to me, even after 2 years? My A levels results are coming. That's for sure, something which I am really afraid of too. I am screwed, and I know, because I screwed up during the exams. If you wanna know what happened read my previous entries dated back 2 months ago and you will know that I am screwed. Once again if I am given another chance to prove myself, I will do it. All it takes is just another chance. Yeah, all it takes is just another chance for another new beginning... all is not lost, it's just a matter of the faith in yourself, whether if you are determined to undo things which happened in the past by amending the future in front of you, to relive you chance, though never be the same again, but somewhat similar... And yes of course, the future may be bright, but bear in mind that some things never change and all it takes is a second chance and it involves maybe even more than two people to do this, sometimes, only two of them; the person who gives, and the person who receives. I just need another chance from you. "Carve my name in your heart, and let it be there, even before we start." Rambled by kaSh at 9:27 pm Oh yeah, I sorta know what's the difference between interested in someone, like someone, love someone, hate someone, feel like beating up someone, want her to burn in hell for all eternity and just absolutely don't give a fuckshiet about someone. Yeah. Rambled by kaSh at 10:17 pm The dance was great at Toa Payoh. It was crowded and the frustrating thing was there wasn't any air con at that place! Interchange got air con but HDB Hub doesn't. What is this man? I perspired all over the goddamn place. Crowded, hot and humid. What else could be worse? Luckily the dances performed by everyone was really really nice... hehehe.. Well it doesn't matter if you guys entered or not, what's most important is the process, I must say you guys really did great man, especially you Fel! Don't fret ok? =) Oh yes did I mention in any previous entries that I couldn't sleep in the night? Goddamnit. I just can't sleep in the night. I can sleep on buses, in the afternoon, when I am tired outside but just couldn't when I was well and on my bed. I really think my simple life has been thought complicated by me. Oh man... Oh yeah, after a few nights of shiet, I've finally sorted out ONE out of a thousand problems. Not exactly sorted out but I've finally know what's the motherfooking problem. Now it's a matter of wanting to solve or not. Perhaps it isn't that easy to solve it, perhaps it's just me, perhaps it isn't a problem at all. Burger King: $6 Gelare Mudpie: $7 That stupid shark's fin soup from Pasar Malam: $2 Foodcourt at Toa Payoh: $4 Starbucks: $6 "... but then again if you don't try you won't know." I didn't expect someone to say that to me, yeah that's because I never try something which I want to, perhaps I am too afraid of trying, perhaps I am afraid of rejection, perhaps I am afraid of all the negative shiet. How? In my mind I have always longed to be with you, but too bad it wasn't that case in your mind. How? If I try will I have that chance? I am thinking too much again. What happens if it really does? What if it's not? How's the future like? Now you know why I can't fucking sleep in the night. Shoot me, again. Rambled by kaSh at 8:32 pm I tried dyeing my hair the night before. It failed. Wasted my goddamn money. I tried once yesterday. It failed. Simply because my mother forgot to mix the most important ingredients: The bleaching agent. LOL. Then we did it again, now with the bleaching agent mixed well. My hair's red now, and I look like one chao ah beng, and I will get stared when I leave my house. Who cares? NS's coming, and it's my hair. Stare all you want mofos. Today's weather aren't that bad. Not too hot, lotsa clouds... but too bad I woke up at 230pm in the afternoon. I slept at 630am. I watched soccer. I have nothing to do. and I went back to sleep at 6pm after that. So no life. and In between that period of time I was awake, I played Maple Story. What a no life shiet I have. I can't sleep in the night. The more tired I am, the more I can't sleep. Something's bothering me. Maybe it's the weather. Maybe it's my bed. Maybe it's you. Or maybe it's just me. I need sleeping pills again. For the past god-knows-how-many months I have not been sleeping well.. Something's really wrong. I need help... My toe's getting more and more painful. But I don't really care because I ain't disabled and I still can walk and run and play badminton. I hope I won't get banned tomorrow when I go back to school with my new hair colour, I'll just give some lame excuses like the weather's too hot and the sun heated up my hair to red, surprisingly it wasn't any blacker. This is crap. Slap me or shoot me Fel. Rambled by kaSh at 7:36 pm Nothing much. Badminton again. And I injured my right big toe. It sucks coz you cannot bend your feet and stretch. Goddamnit. Ok that's enough. I don't have that mood to go for you again. Ok I don't wish to cry shiet about over this thing down here. I'll just let it off. Damn that weather. Yeah so don't blame me if I flare up suddenly, it's because of the weather. Too hot until it drives my adrenaline to the max. (Or whatever you wanna describe that). Say, after 10 years from where we first met, will you still remember my name? Will you still remember how do I look like? Will you still remember the times we'd spent together? Will you still remember the memories, both happy and sad which we had together? Say after 20 years, will you still have the thought of me, "Oh that's Alvin, I remembered him, he was an asshole." or something like that? Say after 10 years, will you still know that I feel for you? Will you still think that I will wait for goddamn 10 years for you? 2 cans of 100 plus: $2 And yeah, I tried dyeing my hair. Fuck. It didnt succeed. I am gonna fooking bleach it. Gold, ash, grey, whatever stupid colours I am gonna make before I enter NS wherby my hair will be all gone. Yeah. I know you all don't care. LoL. I don't care if you care either. Because in this world those who truly cares are just a few of them. I won't wanna wait for 10 years. Because I want you now! Forget it. Maybe I should just fucking give up my wishful thinking. I STILL want you. Rambled by kaSh at 8:03 pm Secondary 3B/4B was really fun. I enjoyed it really much, not only my classmates were so really nice, the teachers too! The teachers can practically see my mood and the thing is they DO care, unlike some of the teachers in my JC, who absolutely don't give a fuck about you. They just teach and fuck off. It was really fun crapping our way during Math lessons, our enthusiasm for Math was far too great; we even went back during the Dec holidays and wanted the teacher to teach us the new topic which was so damn powerful that you can use it to apply in almost everything: Calculus. Some youth day thingy during Sec 3. Yeah I still remembered so damn clearly because I was the mascot. I wore this battery suit made of paper and I have to go on stage for the whole school to see, I am dressed as a battery! It symbolised neverending energy and something like that, and then after that the girls gave a tremendous and wonderful dance which brought us to a second place. Teachers' Day during Sec 4 was a hit man. We heckcare O levels and just practiced like mad for that event. I played the guitar and Nat played the piano of the song "That Thing You Do" by The wonders and everyone else danced and sang along. It was so damn fun especially the rehearsing part... and my fingers did bleed a little due to an excess of playing the guitar. And much more... I missed the goddamn times when I was schooling. GODDAMNIT. PLEASE RETAIN ME AND MY FRIENDS. MUAHAHAHHAHAHAHA. So that we can become classmates once again and screw the hell outta the teachers' minds and wreck havoc around the school. Lunch at foodcourt: $5 Pool: $4 And it doesn't matter what school you are in. It all depends on you. Some say my JC is a slacker school. Indeed if you do not wanna study and choose to skip classes everytime. Who doesn't anyways? When it's time to study, everyone will do it, even the slackest person I know will read up what's going on for the past 2 years. I miss you all man. Rambled by kaSh at 10:33 pm I still think this entry was a really sweet one by me. "I still talk about you often.. I still mention you in front of my friends.. I still think about you day and night... part of you is found inside me... I still say you were the best... you are still the best.. you are the only one who was willing to be there for me... who was willing to stand my stupid temper and not say anything, not resisting, not standing up to voice your opinion, not even wanna say what you felt that you were right at that time... Every night you would do the same thing; the SMSes, different SMSes personally written by you, and all coveyed the same message... to tell me that you were going to bed... to say "Goodnight Dear" every night, without fail... "I will go to bed first.."every, single night of my life... I took it for granted... yes I really took it for granted... I thought you were expected to do it sometimes.. when we were at that point of time... but no... it wasn't the case at all.. you did it coz you loved me, coz I was part of you at that point of time... you did that, although I know it was just only goodnight messages from you, but I could feel the sincerity from it even from now, at this point of time, I still miss them... how I wish it will be back again... and it will be there forever.. I was immature, really ungrateful for thinking of that kind of thought, of ending it so early over one silly thing.. I thought I was superior, my ego took over me, I wanted full control, I was really stubborn, I thought by doing things my way you would be happy... No, I was wrong. I was wrong all the while. Just because you didnt turn up for my chalet, doesn't mean you did not love me anymore.. it wasn't that case.. I understood your plight at that time... you were in a difficult stage at that point of time... and when you had explained to me, I showed as if I did not care at all... what the hell am I thinking? Not your fault to cause all the mess. I know it was difficult for you to accept me as a whole. But you tried. You tried and I knew. I knew because you showed. You showed me by ever compromising me. I was, at that point of time, really thought I was correct all the while... all the while not even wanting to compromise you for what you have done for me... all I did was to sit there and receive your messages in the night, sometimes not even wanting to reply. On that night, I said this to you. "It was until now I truly realise how much I loved you, how much things I could not have done without you." Despite the fact, we proceed on what we thought... that was the most devastating night of my life, something which I REALLY DID NOT want to do it at all... because at that point of time, nothing from me had changed for you, nothing. It was just growing.... growing stronger... I was afraid.. I said I was immature... if I had got you back at the next day, things will not turn out this way.. How much have I regretted losing someone like you.. Life goes on... Sometimes it is really really very hard to let go something which you really put in your everything to commit... and I did commit. Yes I did. Although my ego took over me, it didn't mean I did not. It didn't mean I did not love you as much as I asked you for the first time. It was growing... all along... 14th Sept was the beginning. I still remembered the day we started of... really well... It's the future now... I am still holding back... some things just cannot be changed, cannot be forgotten, cannot be left unfelt even after a long, long time.. I still have you in my heart. As always. Nothing's changed. No less. Why? Simply because you are still the one." I don't care what you all say, I think it's sweet. So screw you if you were saying "oh what an ass praising his own writings." or "I don't give a shiet." Argh just fuck off. Opportunity doesn't knock your door twice. I believed it has knocked onto my door and straight into my face for a few million times, it's just that I didn't catch it and let it slip away. Well in your life you will find at least a few people who appreciate whatever you do... sometimes sparks doesn't occur because the opportunity has already slipped away. PS: The above entry was just something which I feel it's really meaningful for me, of all the entries I've written I find this a really nice one, for if I were to go back to read from Day 1 until now, I love this entry the best. Nothing's intended. I hope you won't mind because it speaks of you. Because I knew that what's in the past is in the past, though it has already ended for more than 2 years, I still cherish the moments we had. Once again nothing's intended and such. However you can treat it as I wanna rekindle something or whatever is it gonna be, whatever it is, my intentions are clear. Yes, no doubt you have a place in my heart but it's sad that I do not have a place in yours anymore. Even if my intention was to bring back something, you won't wanna comply because it's simply something one-sided. I typed this simply because I cannot sleep, simply because you just hover through my mind. Well you will blame me for being shallow again, for being somehow immature and not wanting to move on with my life.. yes of course there are potentially better girls than you do, as what you've said. For the past 2 years it has been ups and downs for me and I'm sure you've heard some of it. But I don't think I will recall them after another 2 or 3 years, simply because they did not leave that kind of impression inside me. I don't call them "potentially better girls than you" because they aren't able to capture me like you do after 2 years, or 3, or 4... And I wrote this simply because we will feel awkward when we meet and sometimes engaging into such conversations. By dwelling onto you doesn't mean I am not moving on with my life. It's different when someone sits there for 2 years waiting for a girl and someone who moves on, searching for something better for 2 years, thinking of what he had done to that girl which was absurdly f up, and then finally thinks that there isn't any better ones than that girl. Some may say this as a flirtatious kind, but I don't fucking care, because I know what I am doing, if not, I will do it on impulse and not going through 2 years of shiet and instead just asking you to come back 2 months later which I think it WILL NOT ever work out if our thought aren't that mature. It wasn't anger, it was somehow sad that I've missed that opportunity. It was somehow regretful doing things that I have not done and not doing things that I should have done. It was somehow really sad because after all these years something similar in you and me turns out to be something different. It was somehow sad because this is only one sided. It was somehow sad because of what memories we had, we won't wanna bring them back again. Perhaps there are more memoriable ones for you than the period we had, too bad, that's another sad part. I know it still won't work because this is only the third time I am rephrasing the infamous setence into long paragraphs and grandmother stories and you said even if I phrase it in a million ways it still wont work. I still have 900,000 over rephrasing to do, and I know it still won't work. But I want it to. Holy crapshiet. Rambled by kaSh at 2:27 am I am a peaceful guy. I don't usually use my fists to talk. If you smile at me I will smile back to you. If you talk me nicely I will talk back to you nicely. If you request something from me nicely I will give you more than you need it. But if you fuck around with me I will give you back what you deserve + alot more things + hell and shiet to you. If you do not like me you have a few choices: You can stop talking to me, telling me straight into my face that you hate me. You can just choose to fight with me. You can get your friends to tell me the message. As I said, I love to make friends than enemies. Who will like to make enemies? I am a peaceful guy. If I hurt you, is either I hurt you unintentionally or, well you were screwing with me. I am non-violent! Really! Haircut: $20 That stupid shark's fin soup from Pasar Malam: $2 Rambled by kaSh at 4:44 pm I just realised that I've spent around 100 bucks last week... UNKNOWINGLY! Goddamnit! Cartel: $18 Movie: $8.50 x 2 = $17 Yoshinoya: $10 Pool: $13 Racket grips: $5 Badminton court: $5 4 cans of 100 plus: $4 Another 2 cans of 100 plus: $2 That stupid sharks' fin soup from Pasar Malam: $4 Foodcourt: $8 Ice cream: $4 A WHOPPING TOTAL AMOUNT OF 90 BUCKS! I am so dead man. Anyways I've watched White Noise and it's a STUPID STUPID STUPID show. If you wanna save your money, please don't watch that show. Heed my advice and you won't go wrong. Yeah. And A levels results are coming out soon, better wish me luck because I need it... lotsa it.... I don't think I will do as well as I expected... I know it myself. I've been through shiet during Prelims and A levels with you. It undoubtly affected everything of mine. Maybe I still suck in the end, cause I brought this all upon myself... that's what you are trying to think and say... Oh well, it's my fault and no one elses'. And yeah, guess today's the end of my 'fun' expedition, if you know what I am talking about.... hehehe Rambled by kaSh at 12:29 pm Why do I feel like crying again? Goddamnit. I feel like a cry baby. Fuck. Can someone just please beat me, scold me or do anything just to make me stop thinking of all this shiet? It feels so horrible when you have all the nonsense going through your mind again. It sucks shiet. Arghhhhhhh! This is crap. I woud like to beat people up if I have the chance. Anyways to the girl who I hit her leg with the racket: I am so sorry! To the girl I disappointed: I am sorry! To the girl who I cannot meet earlier on on the other days: I am sorry! To the girls who's junior lost the match of vball: I am sorry! To the girls who I have no time to buy flowers to: I am sorry! To the girl who makes my heart and mind so goddamn irritated, frustrated and screwed up: I am NOT going to say sorry. To that girl again: I've said sorry to you more than all of these sorrys combined together. What the fuck am I doing again? Someone please shoot me! And one more thing. When I call you out for a game of badminton, a movie or just a simple lunch or dinner, it doesn't fucking mean that I am gonna pay everything for you, unless 1) you are my girlfriend 2) you are someone special to me 3) you are someone special to me 4) you are my girlfriend. So next time please don't say those fucked up words like "your treat?" or "your treat?" or "your treat?" and I'll point the unholy middle finger at you. If you are reluctant to go, say the reason why. Everything happens for a fucking reason. Don't feel like going is also a reason but it's a fucked up one. You poor? No money? I owe people a total of 350 bucks. Who's the poorer one? It's just that I ain't stingy with money and sometimes ya ok if I am in the good mood I can fork out some bucks. But don't be such an asshole when your wallet holds a few stacks of 100 dollar bills and keep on chanting that "I HAVE NO MONEY". It sucks. I am a fucking poor guy too. I realised that I've used alot of fucks nowadays. I apologise to those who are somehow sensitive to that word. Sometimes I just cannot control and cannot find any more suitable vocabularies for these adjectives. I am entering into a stage of eternal antagonizing, excruxiating pain in the interior which no man will ever feel for the past two hundred thousand years of human civilisation.... again... Rambled by kaSh at 12:48 pm I am going crazy. Yes I am. I am going real crazy over things which are so small yet so happening to me. I guess that's what life is. I'd rather be crazy than sad, motionless, feeling fatigue and all that crap emotions, because at least when I am crazy, I won't be sad or down. Holy shiet! Arms pain and back pain due to badminton. Too much of it. Realised that I lack of some physical abilities such as speed and agility to play well, or even better. Anyways people who read this sentence will go something like "I don't give a f***" or "F*** it I've wasted 3 seconds of my life reading that stupid piece of shiet!" Racket no more tension, anyways I've design it to be as ugly as possible like putting on bright orange grips on the red racket with white strings... it's not mine anyways. So I don't care. LOL. As I said again, I don't mind playing badminton for the whole day day for everyday and forever. Then head straight to the pool table and have a game or two... Or to some jamming centres, or some drumset corners... as long as no study, no work... I don't mind doing it with a bunch of friends who I will call them classmates. If I were to choose my classmates, it will be none other than my TPJC classmates. Anyways this entry is crap. Flame me if you want to. I just feel like writing shiet which has absolutely no link with all of you out there. Rambled by kaSh at 11:52 pm Whenever I go back to my schools, I'll have this feeling of nostalgia. Being jobless and wandering around nowhere for the past 2 months after my A levels, I realise that actually studying and schooling aren't as bad as what students think. Studies and exams stress you out. You got competition among you and your friends. But come to think of it, you really kill your time in school. Unlike staying at home or working, you have to do the same routine everyday which I must say, you'll never wanna do that if you have the choice... Goddamnit, why must I have to wake up so early in the morning at 6am, dragging and forcing myself out of my wonderful and comfortable bed, heading right to the batheroom, getting my tooth brushed, reluctantly turning on the shower tap, and let water run down my mindless "early in the morning" body? Then I dried myself and wore the set of clothes which I must wear 5 times a week: The Uniform. OMG! I forgot to have my breakfast! What a day man. Reached school and after the lengthy National Anthem, we are dissipated to our classes and that's when school starts. We sat down anyhow and wherever we wanna sit, took out our notes and stuff and suddenly you realised.... oh no, I forgot to bring my notes! And worse still, I didn't complete my homework! I am gonna get it. This is when the fun part comes. You borrowed a part of your friend's notes, detached it and put it on your desk, as if it was yours. Then when the teacher walked past you, you will crap with him. He will believe you. As for the homework? Oh I lent it to my friend which was from the other class. Then you felt boring after 20min of lessons. You began to stand up, "Cher, I go toilet arh." And rushed to the canteen to get a drink or two, and then you saw your friends. You sat down to chat for like 10min then headed back to class. The teacher asked where have you been and you replied "Stomachache!". Then you started your nonsense which made the whole class giggle, full of laughter. You began to ask stupid questions like "How many children you have arh cher?" or "How old are you?" or "How long have you been teaching?". Those questions which are totally unrelated to Chemistry or Physics or Math. Then a test came. It was a mass test. You realised that you didnt study for it. Nevermind it's ok. The first thing which came to your mind was "this is a test only, not included in my promotional exam" and second thing was "most of the people also didnt study for it so all will end up like me". Then you sat there, played with your calculator, slept for around 15min and did a bit of the questions. When it was coming to an end, you quickly borrow answers from your smart aleck friends and copy down the whole chunck of rubbish not knowing what are they writing. Then it was breaktime. You rushed down to the canteen, realising the food sucks, so you and your friends decided to play some ice throwing game, whereby who threw the furthest and out of the school, wins. You sat around and started to crap, talking abt the next lessons, plots to skip other lessons, things to do after school... and when you'd finished eating you expect others to clear your plate so you quickly rush off to get a drink. Little did you know that everyone on that table was waiting for your that move, so they can use you to buy drinks for them.. Lecture time. What a boring topic. So you decided to sit around and chat with your friends about what was showing on yesterday's TV, about girls across the lecture hall, about things which happened yesterday night with your girlfriend. Some read magazines, some laid their heads on the table. Then suddenly you heard your name through the speakers. You are dead. The lecturer spotted you for not paying attention and wanted you to present something to the whole lecture hall. Then suddenly the whole hall was flooded with applause. You feel embarrassed. Goddamnit. Why me? Then lessons time again. This time it was this boring Math lesson which you had to attend everyday. Suddenly some of your friends from other classes were playing basketball. So you had to choose to play or to study, but ultimately some of you went down to play. Then after 15min of fun, you were thinking "eh like very bad leh the teacher so good but we pon her lessons." So you rushed back to the class with your whole body perspiring, you and your uniform stinks to the core and perspiration was dripping, you entered the class. "OMG where have you been!" the teacher exclaimed. You designed a whole lot of crap to cover yourself, and everyone was laughing at your nonsense. Then PE. Goddamnit. I need to run 10 rounds again! So you pretended that you had stomachache, or you sprained your ankle. But the PE teachers weren't that stupid so your excuses were void. You STILL have to run in the end. You took your time with your friends. Walking and running at the same time, enjoying the breeze and scenery which you have been seeing it everyday of your life, then ran away for a drink or two, then came back saying to yourselves that I had ran another 2 rounds so I have 6 rounds left. At the end of the day, you felt tired. It wasn't over yet. You still have your CCAs. It was fun, because you could bargain with your captains. You had this 10 round PE lesson so you begged him not to torture you again. Then again, if you are in those non sports CCA, you feel like skipping them, going home and sleep through the night. Finished. Done with school. You are so shagged. You need to rest at home. And when you wake up, you realised that you have so many things to do for tomorrow. GP essays. Chinese compo. Math tutorials. OMG you are going crazy. Tomorrow is just Tuesday. So when will it be Friday again? This is school life, it's much more fun than working and slacking life. Trust me. If I have the choice I will go back to school again, oogling at girls with my friends, crapping with the teachers and making the whole class laugh, skipping lectures, making the teachers furious and promise them that you will never do it again, but again you did it in a different way. Going out for a movie instead of going for Math lecture. Slacking around the library, playing Bridge, getting caught for untucking your shirt, coloured hair, for not attending classes, running away from teachers... I miss my class. Rambled by kaSh at 2:23 pm I registered my basic theory test today. Soon I will get to drive the goddamn car when I have the license and the money. I knew of these 2 people who had problems. Yeah. Complicated BGR relationships and such. I knew both sides of the story, and suddenly I realised that what I have been doing for the past year, was a little overboard. It turned into fear. I finally understand everything. Maybe not all, but most of it. I just wanna say, sometimes I really wish to start over... oh man. I am thinking shiet again. I just don't know how to approach you regarding this matter. All I can do is to write it down here, you know who you are, and you know what I meant exactly. I wanna say sorry for the crap I've given you, but I believe that it wasn't all crap, there were some moments which both of us appreciate. I understood this because I knew both sides of the story, by 2 people I know of. Maybe it's too late to apologize, or maybe you don't even read this at all... I don't know, but I have done what I have to do. I am sorry. If you read this, give me a reply. Rambled by kaSh at 8:47 pm Fuck this shiet. I simply HATE being awakened when I am sleeping. I don't care who it is, my parents or whoever some big shot you are, please don't fucking wake me up while I am sleeping. I HATE it to the fucking core. And especially to those people who call wrong numbers and give fuckshiets to me, may you are be harrassed while you are sleeping till eternity. When someone says wrong number, he means it, and he has no fucking time to joke with you, especially when he's in lala land. When you suddenly see me keep really quiet and my facial expression changes, it means something has gone wrong. Whether if it's you've fucked around with me for the whole of afternoon, or something which you had done to provoke me, or doing things like screwing the wall which is so revolting, or trying to attract unnecessary attention by you special act cute moves, or jumping around THINKING that you are so fucking cute, or just a simple "fuck you" to me, it means something's wrong. I don't need you fucking and unsincere apology, you just need to shut the fuck up and stop your shiet IMMEDIATELY. I have ZERO and I mean ZERO patience for shiets such as "Oh I can't make it last min" when you have been fucking with me all the while for the past 3 days saying that you can turn up, or giving that kind of "see first" attitude, uncertain of whether to turn up or not, or deep down in your fucked up mind you have already made the fucking decision of not coming but only to tell me that you cannot make it at the goddamn 11th hour. Yes you will be fucked. You will get back what you deserve you fuckwits. I fUcKiNg haTe wHeN sOmEoNe tYpEs lIkE tHiS. It irritates my eyes severely and I WILL fucking get blind earlier. So if you tYpE lIkE tHiS, please fuck off, and don't fucking chat with me. Please for Christ' sake, LEARN HOW TO TYPE PROPERLY. IT'S NOT CUTE AND ALL GODDAMNIT! I am getting irritated because people do not know how to appreciate and do simple things while trying to do the hard ones. They do not know what's the value of something done and they do not put themselves into others' shoes while doing something serious which will possibly affect the rest of the world. I myself once did things my way, but then I realised it's easier to change yourself than to change the world. If you don't believe it, fucking try it yourself. I have enough of people who are giving me shiet for the whole fucking week. Rambled by kaSh at 12:48 am Holy shiet. Guess what. I haven't open my Ang Baos and I've lost like 40 bucks in gambling. OMG, well not a large amount but I guess you can do some things with that amount of money like having a decent lunch or dinner for two in a restaurant, clubbing for a night, and so forth. Where is my luck man? Don't tell me that superstition of not paying back the money you've owed through the New Year gives bad luck to people, comes true. OMG! I owed a total of 350 bucks. Damn. How am I gonna clear that? Nevermind, I will gamble all of them back. No need for Ang Bao money. Chinese New Year is a time for gambling and getting money and eating roches and exchanging oranges and tangerines with others.. Thought it was boring since I have been doing it for the past 18 years but come to think of it, it isn''t afterall. Previous years, I don't gamble with my parents and uncles, but now, I have grown up. So they accepted me as an adult and I can join in the fun with them... Gambling with Pri and Sec school cousins won't bring you far. 10 cents 20 cents per round of BlackJack, NO KICK LAH BOYS AND GIRLS~! BTW, here are some lesson which I've learnt so far. Sometimes I will give myself time, being alone to straighten out some thoughts by myself. - Always put yourself into people's shoes. Yeah. It doesn't mean people don't seem to care, they don't in their bottom of their heart. You may feel this way, but some people may feel another. - Patience and tolerance play a major role in your character. No matter how you are shot at by someone, sometimes it's just a little tolerance and a few gentle reminders will make the world a better place. - Time heals almost everything. Although sometimes the process may hurt very much, but eventually when you sit down and think back what you've done those stupid things to attract attention, to make things your way, not to listen to your friends advices, you will think that you are purely dumb. You still have a long life ahead of you. - When you feel like shit, don't worry, because there will be people who are worse than you. If you feel that you are friggin poor, you aren't the poorest. If you feel that you have been ditched by this woman, you aren't alone because there are thousands getting ditched every day. - Do what you like without accepting influences from other people, for if you never try, you will never know what's gonna happen. Sometimes things may seem impossible, because most of the times people are afraid to try, but if you do give a try, you may realise that things aren't as tough as it seems. - Do what you like, but stay within the rules. Still in Chinese New Year mood. Anyone up for a game of BlackJack? Rambled by kaSh at 3:49 am I feel really moody for these past few days. I have been thinking too much again. Things in the past are coming back to haunt me. Please go away.... But I know, avoiding is not the solution. Somehow or rather I'll have to do something, if not I will either regret not doing it or make a fuss outta it for the rest of my life. I just wanna risk it another time again. It doesn't matter if I fail again, because I know that the more I fail, the stronger I will become, the more I want to continue on, the better the taste of success will be. I don't wanna regret again. Goddamnit. Which is really the best solution of all? I am really cracking up my head to find a solution, some perfect remedy which everyone can be happy. I will pick up my courage again to do something which I have been wanting to do so, something which is hidden inside of me for a long time..... It doesn't mean I don't show, means I don't feel. I feel for you more than I show for the past years. Yeah maybe I was an asshole, sometimes having the thoughts of going other girls, but eventually you are still back in my mind. Why? Not because I am sick and tired of others and just want you back for fun, but because you are still there, never before you have left me, never before the thought of you slips through my mind for a single night... It's all from the bottom of my heart. Rambled by kaSh at 2:00 am ***This entry contains explicit verbal content. Children below the age of 18 are advised NOT to read this.*** Saturday. Yes, finally the weekend is here. Guess what? I didn't have enough sleep the previous night. I need to wake up early to go play badminton. When I reached home it was around 12. At last I get to replenish myself and I took a little nap. FUCK. I HATE it when my sleep is interrupted. I don't care it's by who, I just fucking hate it. This asshole called my handphone. She was looking for some god-knows-who motherfucker. I said wrong number and hung up. She called again. 5 minutes later, she called again. FUCK YOU LAH, I FUCKING SLEEPING RIGHT?! I SAID WRONG NUMBER ALREADY RIGHT? Just when I got into the drowsy mood, the contruction below my flat began. FUCK YOU ALL. They have been renovating this fucking estate for the past fucking 3 years and it hasn't been completed yet. First it was the fucking lift just outside my room and it was during the O levels. HOW THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSE TO STUDY? They started to fucking drill as early as 8am in the morning, when at that time I had my study leave so I could sleep a little later. And guess what? When they drill, not only it was fucking noisy, the ground of my room was trembling too. Fuck you bastards. For the past 3 years you fucking dumbfucks have been renovating the whole fucking estate and to me it still seems the same. You fucking plant those grass so nicely and clear them off a month later. ALOT OF MONEY ISSIT? Now they are gonna build 1 soccer court beside the basketball court. FUCK. THIS IS DISASTER. ALL THE FUCKING HNS WILL BE THERE PLAYING TILL THE COWS COME HOME. How am I suppose to have peace? Fucking stupid dickheads. And yeah another thing is, these contruction workers only know how to drill at times when I am sleeping. When I was so awake, it was so quiet. FUCK YOU ALL. I WANNA SLEEP ALSO CANNOT. CAN DRILL AT TIMES WHICH I AIN'T SLEEPING? I hope you fucking guys get heatstroke here and get burned in hell for disturbing my sleep. FUCK YOU. Ok then I gave up. I TRIED to sleep and my parents came home. THE FUCKING DOG START BARKING LIKE AS THOUGH HE IS GONNA DIE AT THE END OF THE DAY. FUCKING BARK BARK BARK. How to sleep? zzzzzzzzz Ok I really gave up. I began to watch my VCD with my blood boiling. Then my parents keep walking in and out of the room, opening and closing the windows and disturbing me. ARGH. GODDAMNIT! LET ME HAVE SOME PEACE! Then I went to play badminton again. Fuck. I wanted to pay money to the cashier and I waited for so damn long. Fuck you. You are irritating me. I stared at you and yet you don't give a fuck. ARGH!!! I played like SHIET. LIKE SHIET. Nevermind. Guess what? I SPRAINED MY ANKLE. HOLY FUCK. ARGH. WHAT A FUCKING DAY. This is the worst shiet day ever happened to me. Lastly, to those who are constantly disturbing my sleep, I promise you, you fucking contruction workers, I will fucking throw a bomb down to blast all of you to pieces, so if you are smart, either you get your ass home to China or India or wherever you fucking come from, or, DRILL AT THE CORRECT TIMES. FUCK IT! Rambled by kaSh at 7:43 pm It's Friday again! End of the week, so you guys who are studying out there can enjoy. Yeah, I played badminton, badminton and more badminton for the past few days. Guess what, Dunman Sec won AHS in badminton! I felt so happy for them... oh man.. really proud of them... My life's badminton all day, it's fun playing some sport which you love. I don't mind playing badminton for the whole day for everyday until I enter army. I feel really happy, something in me which really saddened me was gone, slowly.. But, I feel my life isn't complete, never it was complete. Something in me which I feel I long to have it back. I ain't sure if you have anymore feelings for me, but I am sure that I have, never it was lost or vanished, never it was forgotten... I don't know what to do, you are so busy with your stuff and I can't even call you out for a simple lunch or dinner, but I understand, suddenly I understood things which I always oversee them... Things which are not within my control... As much as I want you back by my side, I know this thing isn't just involve me. It's you too. I've already told you everything, you said you aren't ready yet, and yeah I shall wait... I am still waiting, and I don't know when to ask again, I am afraid it will be too early... or too late. Maybe you aren't really confident in me... Just to tell you, I still wanna have you back by my side, I have been searching my thoughts and thinking through for these few weeks... sometimes I will just have to take the risk and not to try too hard for you... I dont care what happened to me previously, because somethings are meant to be changed, some things are meant to start all over again... things which are nice, which are good, which are memoriable often need to be paid for a price.. something which I will do with risk...
Rambled by kaSh at 11:56 pm Last week: I have been playing badminton for 4 days straight, and the whole of afternoon... shagged, but fun... that's life man... Got myself this Feng Yun II TV series which I've finished watching, and currently watching Tian Long Ba Bu. I am killing time. Goddamnit. This week: CNY's coming, and I don't really give a shiet. Ang Bao money's getting less and less, coz I am getting older and older, and there will be a point of time whereby I need to actually distribute ang baos out. No $$$ already... V day's not here yet but I've gotten 2 stalks of roses for my friends. Fel received the red one. No special motives, just feel like buying flowers. I am crazy. Please shoot me when you see me giving out flowers to people when it isn't V day. Come to think of it, must you really give flowers only on V day? What about other days? Does it not mean sincerity if you give flowers on every other day? Nevermind, shoot me again. Flowers on V day are exceptionally expensive... afterall, it's the thought that counts.. I don't mind the money... who wants flowers from me? Hahahaha Crazy shiet. Oh and another thing, I may be crazy to buy flowers on normal days, but I don't give flowers to people anyhow. Hehehehe. Shoot me. Rambled by kaSh at 1:51 pm |
My friends #verythin Zeqi Hsi En Mitchell Natasha Qiu Hui Chewy Hui Qi Ginger Belinda Shu Ting Leon Zhi Wei Lewis Valerie Xinmin Isabelle June Yong Benjamin Jiun Pey Aik Meng Wan Ling Hui Ling Clara Jolene Li Hui Ah Zai Yin Jie Lee Shyuan Wei Luo Way Chin Hui Ying Yani Mary Roddy Yen Wei Leanne Isaac Cheng Chong Chun Pei Mel Shi Rui Bert Shu Hao Michelle Eunice | ||||||
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