This is my story...

Thursday, March 31, 2005

Hahaha fishing was fun man! Although it was dizzling, the water was so damn dirty with oil on top of it, debris floating around (styrofoam boxes, plastic bags, etc), it was really fun. It was my first time and guess what, NO FISH! ARGH! Maybe it was the weather. It was really cold so the water was warm in there. Fish don't like warm water.

There was one time my rod was moving. The tension was tight and I thought I caught a fish! But then when I reeled up it was the plastic bags that inconsiderate mofos threw into the sea. Goddamnit!

Anyways first time experience was really nice. We learnt alot of things such as we need to have something to entertain ourselves and buy the correct bait next time and most importantly, how to cast the rod! Hahahaha.

And anyways we seldom have such gatherings already, so it's best to cherish every single one of them.. Yeah..

Stupid fish. You all are gonna get it the next time!

Rambled by kaSh at 9:04 pm

Sometimes I wondered: Why did I let you go at the first place?

And I've learnt my lesson: My chauvinistic ego will not bring me anywhere except to my downfall.

That's the reason why I've decided to change for the better.

Apparently there are more than a billion different types of people around the world and their characters differ from one another, handling some of them may be a chore.

That's the reason why I begin to observe human behavior. What is the cause of the negative emotions? Me? Or just deep within you?

But it wasn't until I realised that when I'd lost you, I loved you more than ever.

You won't appreciate things which you have now until you've lost them. And you realise that sometimes you cannot live without it.

And it was until I saw you again, I felt complete.

Part of me cried to have you back, the other said it was better for you to go, for what's lost cannot be retrieved back.

So one day I'd decided to tell you, not everything, because I knew how to keep it short and simple.

You told me exactly what I've felt, what I've mentioned.

Then suddenly the clock stroke 12, it was then everything came into my mind again, I realised that the happiest times of my life, were only the times spent with you and you alone, just the two of us roaming the streets, a simple yet memoriable life...

Because it doesn't matter if it lasted, it just matters it has already happened.

Rambled by kaSh at 2:34 am

Wednesday, March 30, 2005

Sporting day today! Woke up so damn early in the morning to play basketball... then went for lunch then played badminton from 230pm to 10pm. Actually I didn't really play when I was in the sports hall because I injured my hamstring. Think it's some minor injury or what so it doesn't really matter...

Oh yeah btw I've given out my Math, Phy and FMath TYS to Qi Yin and Michelle. Haha they need it and I don't need it, and it can help them to save a few bucks so yeah. You ladies better get straight As in two years' time!

Yeah you know what? I received a "thank you" SMS from each of them, because firstly I solved most of the Math problems for Qi Yin and wrote it down on pieces of paper for her reference. She thanked me for helping her in her Math and giving her the TYS, saving her own pocket.

Then Michelle thanked me for teaching her how to serve the ball, which of course it has improved ever since day 1, how to tap the ball when in front of the net and leg positions... and the FMath TYS!

And another thing: I've recently encountered one such person who has an outrageous and revolting attitude that no one, at least those who I know, likes him, solely because of his attitude. Ok I don't mean I don't have any attitude problems but you know his problem is way out of hand, far out of reach and even God cannot save him.

Yes, you may have that leadership. You may tried really hard for the team, to organise them uniformly and all that. But remember, you aren't the biggest there. There is still someone up there who gives you the commands. That person may not have that leadership skills like you do, because we know that everyone is unique, but he is up there for a reason, not because he is much more good looking than you or he wins a game of five stones over you.

But frankly and seriously speaking, your attitude just sucks. What determines how far you succeed in life ultimately is your attitude. You subordinates may give you that respect, short term I suppose, but you know that you've made far too many enemies than friends, and you know something's really wrong, not with the enemies you made, but with yourself.

Yes it does really matter when you are playing a game and realising at the opposite end there is a bunch of people, who you know, supporting your opponent, and the motive of that group of people is far beyond the obvious.

And no I am not gonna change you or whatever, because you are insignificant in my life. Whether or not you are doing those things to spite me in purpose, I don't care. Whether or not you have other good abilities like in playing badminton, or flirting with girls, I don't care. Since you have that kind of attitude whereby you THINK you are really really that great in all aspects of life and NOT wanting to listen to ANY advises given to you, and instead, going around spouting and spitng people with your uncomprehanded sung of words which may contain sarcasm in between those lines, it doesn't work on me, because you know when one's limit is reached, there isn't a necessity to reset to zero again, one will just flare up.

You can rarely change a person's attitude, unless he goes through a series of setbacks and screwed up events which may change his life for the better. I don't think that will happen though. If you have that good attitude I do not mind putting nice words for you in front of the in charge. Too bad, you've given me a lousy first impression.

Lastly, maybe those SMSes of "thank yous" have only little influence to most of you, but not to me. At the end of the day I felt really good, not only because people appreciated things that I've done for them, but they took the time off the show this appreciation to me. Although the tasks are small to most of us who see it, but I don't think it is in their eyes.

At least I've found people who appreciate what I've done for them. It really brightens up my night. =)

Rambled by kaSh at 11:58 pm

Tuesday, March 29, 2005

Apparently no one listens to what I say. Yeah.

Anyways watched Miss Congeniality 2 today. Then ate. then walked around. Aiya nothing much lah.

Oh yeah the earthquake occured on some island off Sumatra, not Penang or where. No wonder I failed my current affairs. It left 2000 people dead. That's how Mother Nature will treat you when you mofos out there driving cars and pollute the supposedly clean and green environment. Sad.

My condolences to the families of the victims.

I just realised that I don't know how to do Math anymore. What AP GP what summation. Given all back to my civics tutor already. Oh no she better not find out.

A question to ponder: Since most of us have the knowledge of the basics of Science, we know that energy cannot be created or destroyed. It can only be converted from one form to another (Law of Conservation os Energy). So as a matter of fact, the Big Bang Theory (suggested by Edwin Hubble in 1929) is created out of enormous energy. So the question is, where does this energy come from? Don't tell me what God without any valid explanations and crap and bullshiet.

I am typing senseless bullshiet again.

Rambled by kaSh at 10:18 pm

First off Happy birthday to my mei, Hui Qi! She's seventeen this year and still growing. Older by one year, so it's one less year to live. Hahaha so life is all about enjoying. Live for the moment and enjoy it too the fullest because another year has passed and it's really fast isn't it? Anyways it's your sweet seventeen this year and I hope you will get what you want! Maybe your dreams come true my mei~

Anyways I've just heard news of an earthquake which occurred near Penang or something.. correct me if I am wrong and tremors are felt in parts of Singapore. Oh man in a few years time the earthquake will come really near to our island and that's the end of it. Yeah. Everyone will just die. The earth will split into two and you will fall in between it. There is no turning back. You will drop into the eternal burning molten lava which is tens of thousands of degrees cold. And you will burn there, there will not even be a single bone left behind of you.

I went to play badminton, again. While I was waiting for my bus there were a group of Chinese teenagers dressed in different uniforms making HELL LOTSA NOISES with their chinese accent at the bus stop. It was really really very irritating. They thought this was China and they spoke so loud that the whole bus stop was trembling. I guess that was one of the reasons what sparked off the eathquake at Malaysia. Anyways I ain't having any prejudices against the Chinese (I am a Chinese) I mean the China Chinese yeah. They were so damn loud that I needed to blast my mp3 player to the max volume and guess what, I still could hear them bickling with one another. Some irritating assholes indeed. I just feel like slapping their faces with my racket but on second thought, I had to get a new one if I'd done so.

There was this guy, a middle aged man, who frequent badminton with us spoked hell lotsa nonsense today. It was really hilarious watching him play and chanting his theories on "The sotong and the crab" stuff, his bets on ball senses and accuracies and so on. It just made me laughed for almost the whole session. He is a good player, he just lack of the speed and strength only (perhap he's old already). When he entered the hall he was carrying 4 large styrofoam boxes and 2 small cardboard boxes. He told us he wanted to place the 4 large boxes onto the corners of the court and whoever has the ability to take up the challenge of hitting the 4 out of 10 shuttles into any of the boxes, would win 5 bucks from him.

Though it may sound absurd, it is definately NOT an easy thing to do. I didn't even dare to try because you need a really high level of accuracy and ball sense to hit that shuttle into that box. 4 out of 10 is quite an impressive feat to do already. Boys and girls if you have the time, try doing that.

He also mentioned something about ball sense, saying if you cannot hit shuttles into that box, no matter how hard you train, maybe for 3 to 5 years, you will still not able to get the shuttles in. The way he spoke was damn funny lah, I really couldn't stop laughing, plus his dress sense was really cool; he has this bushy moustache and beard, he isn't that tall, and he plays the game half naked, with his belly shown, and the best part is his shorts are really short and tight, exposing his thighs. His outfit was really.. whao, cool man.. and he plays like a crazy man, speaks like one, really damn funny.

To those who are interested in badminton crap, please discontinue from further reading.

"The sotong and the crab theory"
Basically it's just moving front and back (sotong) and sideways (crab) in the court. Note that this theory only applies to doubles, and the gameplay between a singles and doubles game is entirely different.

Moving front and back (Sotong)is harder and a defensive play in a doubles game. The area of coverage (while stationary) is only from the utmost top when you stretch your hand fully reaching for the sky to the bottom when you stretch your preferred leg (right for righthanders and left for lefthanders). The distance covered is the entire length of the court.

Moving sideways (Crab) is alot easier. The area of coverage is both sides, left and right and usually most of the footwork done is only the side. The distance covered is the entire width of the court.

As you can see, moving like the crab is alot easier than the sotong. First off you have a your partner standing in front (or whichever you prefer) and move sideways only. This is an attacking stance which is commonly known as "front back". This way the court can be covered more efficiently and the attacking power and speed is there.

Of course these are only theories. No actions talk only also no use. Hahahah.

Oh anyways I spent like 30 bucks for these 3 days. Well it doesn't matter because most of them was on food and my parents say it's ok you can eat as much as you want just don't buy junk stuff. Hahahahaha.

Happy birthday to my precious mei again.

"Sometimes to find out the truth, one must move mountains."

Rambled by kaSh at 12:41 am

Sunday, March 27, 2005

When I am tired or feeling lethargic, I tend to react to things slowly. My vision got slightly blurred and my reaction time slows down. I don't talk much, and I get irritated easily.

When I am hungry I will chant non stop for food, and whine and shout at people around me for fun and I will eat as fast as possible when I got my food. The feeling of being full is so great.

Played badminton again. Nothing special about my life and nothing nice to write about.

And yeah by the way that previous entry which described a girl entering a ballroom, it's a scenerio which suddenly pops up into my mind. I don't know who that marvellous lady is and it's one of my very rare imaginations which only comes into my mind once in a blue moon.

Angels and Demons by Dan Brown is a nice novel to catch.

Rambled by kaSh at 11:25 pm

Saturday, March 26, 2005

The classy wooden pine door with an arch and a golden knob attached to it unsealed slowly. The ballroom is decorated with lavishing finishes of the finest glass in town, with resplendent designs of work of famous artists around the world. The floor is carpeted with simple black but with a look of style. Tables are clothed with white silk, utensils are made of silver which reflects most of the light shone of them, giving a sparkling feel. Chairs are designed with arm rest, and with tall backs with water-filled cushions. A grand chandalier hangs in the middle of the room, and the stage is beautified with plants and flowers of roses and lilies. Guests dressed smartly and formally, mingling with one another, some holding a glass of red wine or two, while some seem to have their thoughts wondering around, eyes locking onto that giant grand entrance which a red carpet will lead to from the outside, and some just simply sit around waiting for company.

She then entered the ballroom. Dressed in white silk with satin laces tube, her dress barely covers the whole of her slender legs, which they are sunk into a pair of silver shoes burnished with glitters, some may wonder if they are refined carbon stones which reflects light so greatly to such an extent that it blinds people from lowering their heads. She has long, smooth and straight hair which reach beyond her shoulders and a little dyed with copper brown and chestnut. Her eyes sparkle like crystals, like the stars twinkle in the sky, her complexion is far beyond the mere description of words, she is tall and slim, not too tall, maybe it is due to the high heels she is wearing. As she walks along the red carpet, the gracefulness of her personality starts to surface, the gracious part of her has already shown, the lady like swings her left hand for the momentum of her cat walk gently down the aisle while her right, carrying a white and silver shiny laces handbag. Her make-up is all but thick, expressing her feminine and gorgeous exquisiteness, with that perfect figure bestowed upon her. She hangs a smile wherever she goes, mesmerizing people along the way to the middle of the ballroom.

Her entrance is grand, accompanied by a live jazz band with drumrolls, and lightings which fickle at the correct time. Not more than a second later after discovering her entry, everyone in the room stand for a moment, stunned with their jaws go down to the floor, all eyes hooked on the lady who just enter and cross the room, the glamourous and exorbitant lady with a slim figure far beyond the description of words, making her way towards a table.

As I stand across the room consorting some of my old friends, I turn around when she enters the room, staring at her for more than half a minute, not believing my eyes, what a opulent lady has arrived. I then turn around to my buddies, interrupting their conversation on stocks, telling them a sentence with profession," That's her."

Rambled by kaSh at 11:51 pm

Wednesday:

Went back to TPJC for badminton then to Bedok for another then after that had dinner at Blk 85. Yeah actually it wasn't really that fun except during badminton but yeah I gave someone 2 and 0 points which was pretty, well, expected and completely a waste of my time. Well I ain't that good in that sport I must admit, but please at least have some kind of standard before coming right to my face to tell me that you wanna challenge me ok?
And I realised that I've spent like 60+ bucks already. Haiz.

Thursday:

I woke up so damn early in the morning. It was early because I slept late the night before and went Tampines Mall to eat some food.. Lunch? Oh well..

Then went to play basketball. It was a long time since I'd touched basketball. I suck at it anyways. Just play for fun because playing a sport which your friends play together is a fun thing to do, especially when you can do all sorts of nonsense in the court, fooling around and passing time and more importantly, improving your fitness and bonds with my friends. It has been a long time since we've gathered to play basketball.

Everyone walks on different paths of life, some in different JCs, some polys, some have already entered the army. We basically don't have much time to fool around like we used to be; supper in the night crapping around, then moving to the playground to sing songs, then going out for lunch in the next afternoon, then have a game or two of basketball... again.. then going home playing online games together, talking and conferencing through the phone while playing games, going to someone else's house to have a mini party of wine and beer, or even just going out for a night of fun, like some last minute BBQ or a movie or two...

Today:

I went to town and ate alot alot alot again. Then went to Mccafe to slack. The drinks there weren't that bad actually. Then headed home. Then went for a movie, quite last minute though but it was fun.. then supper... then home again.

Something off topic: Yes I do want people to have a good, or at least, not a bad impression of me. But I know it is a difficult thing to do. Whenever someone sees me for the first time, they feel like whacking me, because of my appearance. I look like a hooligan. Yeah. And when I speak, I will spout vulgarities out and speak aloud like as though it is my house. However if you know me better, one thing I can assure you is that, I won't be unreasonable to you in anyway.. if I do that, I won't have that many friends now around me.

And yeah sometimes my actions were a little off your imagination, as a result people may think of me otherwise, misundersand my real intentions, or even think that I have some ulterior motives. Well maybe it's just me, but sometimes what you see isn't what you think. I don't know how true it is, but it is most of the time for me, it's up to you to believe it or not. I will explain my actions to people who get the wrong ideas, but recently I am really sick and tired of doing the explanations already, because it was due to that major setback that happened in my life.. practically explaining every single shiet that I had done to appeal that person until I was really sick of it.

So the only thing which I will say in the future to you, at least for now, is I am not that kind of person you think I am, believe it or not it is up to you... as much as I wanna cherish this friendships and such, I don't want my friend to think me as some asshole which does things like... that... there isn't any point to go on further..

If you are my friend and you know me well I am sure that although I may be a little crazy and bad tempered at times, at least I know when's the right time to be what I suppose to. At least I have the heart of a human being which feels something is going on out there. At least give me that trust of not misunderstanding me of someone out of this world, like some robber or rapist or what.

If you just know me for a short time, yeah of course you have the free will of mind to think whatever you want, and I don't wish to force anyone to change their thinking because of my image, I am being selfish for that, but at least rethink your thoughts about me... but if you are reluctant to, it's perfectly fine, just tell me that you don't wanna be my friend, and don't even wanna have anything to do with me, and I'll just pretend that we have never met... It doesn't matter the period of time you've known me, 2 weeks, 1 month or even a year... because I know that life is not as perfect as it seems, sometimes there are people who just cannot go along with you no matter how much you have done to salvage everything.

Things have really changed drastically for me, and for the people around me. Nevertheless there are just a group of people I cherish the most, I mean, you know they really shape my life into what I am now.. although I may be a little asshole at times, please forgive me for that, I ain't perfect as it seems, and I've accepted that, but I am trying to change myself really hard over the years, my emotions, my everything, but we just have to accept that no matter how hard we try some things just cannot change...

I just don't know how to really get serious at times. Serious in major problems such as examinations, something important and all that... and I give that kind of slack look image to others, they always think I am not up to some standards. Oh well, maybe that's one of the reasons why I don't really excel in life, because when you aren't serious you won't really learn anything to improve yourself..

Yeah, I think I need to spout less vulgarities in the future, become less violent looking, think before I speak, not to speak so loudly in public and try to get serious when I am having some important stuff to do, even it is a small one.

I am trying to change like I always do, at least I have the patience to sit at the cafe alone for half an hour waiting for my friend, in the past I would just walk away and expect some really really nice apology...

Try to change yourself, instead of the world, and you will definately fine it easier that way.

Rambled by kaSh at 3:15 am

Tuesday, March 22, 2005

Fuck. I wrote this long passage for my admission to NUS and I didn't know it exceeded 1200 characters so I just pasted it blindly... and guess what, they deleted those portions that are more than 1200 characters! FUCK IT.

There goes my admission to FOM. Haiz. =(

Rambled by kaSh at 11:32 pm

Oh what an afternoon to blog. Hot... well not too hot the weather is fine.. not too bright and humid... nevertheless you still need to take a bath to relieve yourself from those perspiration you suffered from walking up and down of your house, ransacking your whole room looking for your favourite all time movie, but found none... hey... wait... what's this... Star Wars I and II.....

Star Wars III is coming out on May 19th, though not a huge Star Wars fan I simply love out of the world plots; battling amongst planets, rebellions, spaceships and wierd lifeforms floating around the galaxy... and whereby you have almost all spaceships which can travel at the speed of light regardless of Einstein's and Newton's laws.

And what's with The Straits Times Interactive nowadays? You need to pay to read online now, so I guess it's more worthwhile buying newspapers from the shop located at the ground floor of my flat, though you will have ink stains on your fingers after an hour of endulging yourself with the current affairs of the world..

I guess sometimes we need to realise that some things which revolves around our lives never change, you need not take a whole lifetime to realise that though. Facts like the Earth revolves around the Sun, facts like you have to die eventually, the normal routine of usual lifestyle of man still stays the same, as always, from an infant to a teenager then an adult to an elderly and the last lap's in the grave.

Similarly I guess some things which are found in the innermost of the hearts of an individual never change, though it may sound really ambagious but sometimes it's the painful truth, which of course we human beings sometimes are never able to comprehend what even the closest one to you, feels. We can all sit around to dissertate and relate what the problem will lead to, what leads to the problem, but ultimately ones choice to solve it or not depends only to that individual alone, no doubt not even the greatest beings can help, although most of us may say, faith brings us to where we are, but faith is a believe, not an opening door to solve all problems and complications.

Things which can never be altered are for instance, the past, words spoken and etc. If there is a chance to turn back time, or to forgo the past once and for all, what will an individual usually choose?

Remember if it wasn't for the past, we will not be standing here. It was because of the Big Bang which created particles and it led to a series of chain reactions resulting the creation of human beings and environment. It was because of Alexander the Great who conquered almost the whole of Asia, led to a series of distorted historical events which most of us are still relatively confused over what was going on a thousand years back.

I will not choose to forget my past, though sometimes I would like to travel back time to change it, to shape it for the better, though deemed impossible, but somehow or rather things which change in the future, I wish to remember my past for it plays a major role in the present, and it definately affects my future.

And relating back to some things never change, it really doesn't matter when I'd this affection for you, it wasn't that bad afterall as I thought, it takes two hands to clap, although the it turned out to be somehow quite undesirable for me, that's when everyone will blame it to: Fate.

My past was you, and even further back my past was another. Somehow or rather things just couldn't change. I don't want to mention abt what my past is going to play what role in my future, for I'll never know now, though mentioned life is already predestined, I believe I shape my own future.

I hope you are safe and sound, and happy like you always are.. or maybe merrier, as what your name always describes what you are, as what your smiles always delude me, for just not realising tiny details of the joy you bring to everyone near you, especially me...

Maybe time really heals everything, maybe time really is an all-cure for everyone of us, but nevertheless, though the wound is healed, there is bound to be a scar, which will remain there forever, for as long as I am alive the scar will bring me back to where we were, to where the past was meant to be, to where I once knew that I had that times with you, somehow or rather, I feel sad and devastated losing such moments with you, for you will not, because such moments it may only be insignificant to you, because you have already enjoyed happier moments.

Sad but nevertheless it has to be done, I just hope that you are happy as always, then I'll be just fine. Words need not to be exchanged, things need not to be done to feel that you are comfortable with your life and mine now.

And sad to say I still couldn't get over you at times, although I've told my friends around me that I've moved on, and yes I really do.. but such things are really hard to wash away, sometimes I wish to have an eraser which can just erase the unhappy memories of mine, unfortunately everyone knows we have to live with whatever has happened in the past...

I wrote all these because I didn't want you to appear in my dreams again. You're fine and I'll be alright. That's the most I can ask for.

Rambled by kaSh at 4:58 pm

Monday, March 21, 2005

It wasn't really that happening for me for the past few days. Yeah for the third time, I injured my wrist. Now every badminton player knows if your wrist is injured you cannot do shiet... oh unless if you wanna improve your stamina by going jogging every morning, or practicing some footwork under your block.. anyways I can't hold the racket.

Whenever my friends asked about your, whether if it was intentionally or not, I did not know how to reply them. Whenever they asked if I was alright, my reply was yes I am, or I hope so. It is a real reply, but sometimes doubts reigned across my mind. I wasn't sure. I wasn't sure of anything at all...

Anyways I will be enlisting on the 22nd of April. I look fat and unfit and I guess I am gonna die in NS.

And I've bought a cap for my mei. Yeah she wanted that cap and she boldly asked for it. Haha nevermind it's ok, at least if saved my energy walking around looking for presents when I don't know what you like.. it's better to tell me what you like and I can get it for you.. I'll save all the trouble walking up and down town, browsing through watches and rings and necklace and all of that crap...

Sometimes when I am stranded at home, I feel lonely.. and when someone calls me out, I am too lazy to get my ass out.

Hahahahahaha and people say in court, 90% of my strokes are based on strength and 10%, mind. Seriously I will only do that when I go back to TPJC. Don't wanna waste my brain cells there thinking what's the next shot, afterall one shot down and it's all over.

Enough of rantings and whinings and braggings.

Sometimes I really feel like turning back time, to where we were, just the two of us, and time stops there forever... You lying onto my shoulder, with my hand around your waist, my lips near your right ear, your hand clenching onto mine tightly, and me whispering into your ear, "don't ever leave me again."

It won't happen anyways.

Rambled by kaSh at 11:29 pm

Sunday, March 20, 2005

My wrist's still injured. Nuff said. Nothing worth to be mentioned today. Goodnight.

Rambled by kaSh at 10:55 pm

Saturday, March 19, 2005

I am fucking pissed with practically EVERYTHING that is around me.

When it was so sunny for the rest of the week, it rained today. Oh god. The thing was I traveled all the way to ECP wanting to sun tan and it fucking rained.

Yeah and I usually play badminton at MPCC. Guess what? There wasn't any games going on today simply because there was a function going on yesterday. WHO GIVES A FUCK ABOUT YESTERDAY'S MATTER?

Then I went to Parkway. I realised that I don't have ANY MONEY TO FUCKING DRINK A COFFEE. Yeah. I am pissed with my fucking ATM. I have oly $1.36 bucks in there. And my ezlink doesn't have money anymore. I have to rely on coins to fucking take the bus.

I am pissed with the session at bedok. I played like shiet. I am pissed with my fucking wrist. Yes. Fuck it. I am pissed while playing doubles. I am pissed when the H2O drink was sold out. FUCK THAT MACHINE.

And I am pissed when people don't reply my fucking sms-es.

I injured my goddamn wrist. That means no badminton. What the fuck?

And I hate my fucking phone. Always out of order when I wanna listen to my mp3s. Fucking waste of time. I am gonna slam you onto the floor.

I have 2 bad points: I am easily pissed off. I have a fucking bad temper. Yeah so fuck you all.

I don't appreciate things when they are around me until they are gone.

Maybe that's why I am an asshole.

Rambled by kaSh at 10:58 pm

Yesterday:

Badminton in the morning. It was suppose to be 8 but I woke up later. Then Swensen's after that. I'd found out that my bank account only left 11 bucks in it. I am so dead.

Then went to slack around. Basically nothing much. Some people say this is a loser lifestyle. I dont give a shiet.

Swensen's :$23
Dinner: $2

Wanted to catch a movie but the rest wasn't in the mood to, then went to coffee bean to sit down and talked. In the end I reached home with absolutely nothing to do and I dozed off until this morning. What an early morning for a Saturday. Hehehe

And I've just found out that opportunities don't come twice, so grab it when you have the chance to.

It doesn't come regularly too.

Rambled by kaSh at 11:05 am

Thursday, March 17, 2005

Ok I would like to clarify some things.

First things first, yes, I look like one fucking retarded chao ah beng with red hair, walk and talk like one and spill out vulgarities like nobody's business. But, but I don't go around vandalising void decks and cars, I don't go around congregating and make hell lotsa noises and be a nuisance to the public. Neither do I drink and smoke excessively and take drugs, and I absolutely don't fucking lie for god's sake.

Whatever I fucking say, it's the truth unless I am just kidding. So to those people who don't wanna believe me, I don't fucking care.. and to those who time and again thought that I was fucking lying to them, I am saying this the last time; if I have something in mind I will say it out. I don't wanna fucking lie and be a hypocrite. You can choose to believe it or not, it's not my FUCKING PROBLEM anyways so you can just fucking burn in hell for all I fucking care.

Secondly, I wanna emphasize that I HATE IT WHEN YOU WAKE ME UP. The only few people in this world who I will not scream at when they wake me up are my parents, my girlfriend and the person I told to give me a wake up call. If you do not fall into that category, you can just jolly well forget about calling me in the middle of my sleep and explaining things to me because I don't wanna fucking hear them. Oh, if you happened to call when I am sleeping, what I suggest you to do is to put down the phone within 10 seconds or you will get seriously fucked. I don't fucking care who you are, I will just scream across the fucking room.

Lastly I do care if people don't like me. However I know that in this world no one's perfect and I cannot simply make everyone happy. What I do may make you happy and not to another. And I have my own choice of doing things. I may do things differently from what you are thinking, maybe things I do may seem really loser to you, but as long as it's morally correct I don't care what you think.

I know I have been writing long entries and most of you cannot tolerate the lengthy shiet of my blog and eventually choose not to read. Sometimes I just wanna flame things out. At least it's out from my heart and I feel better. To those who see my blog as too wordy, I apologize, but ultimately if you wanna read it or not it's your own choice, and I appreciate your time to read some of my rantings and things which I do during my daily life.

Eventually I am still an asshole, but I am trying to change for the better.

Everyone knows some things just cannot be changed.

Rambled by kaSh at 10:33 pm

I ended not turning up for my 7 to 10 badminton session at the sports hall... well simply because I was too tired when I played badminton in TPJC... and I woke up late... and slept late too... Frankly speaking I wasn't in the mood to play badminton in that school because:

Firstly they are wasting my time. I wanna whack that guy's face. KNN

Secondly, you all did your footwork wrongly. I may not be a pro but I KNOW what a correct footwork is and at least I can help you all by saying EVERYONE has done wrongly. But anyways since it's your training I shall not interfere. Who gives a fuck anyways about your abhorrent training schedule, whereby you have to do some preposterous warm ups by running outside the school for 5765743 rounds, coming back doing some feckless jumping jacks and push ups and then finally doing some 2 vs 1 hitting the shuttle?

Oh man, I really don't know what to do or say. I don't feel like interfering anything but... argh anyways I don't care. Yeah I just play and run away.

Anyways I have nothing to blog about. I am wondering what I am gonna do tomorrow. Goddamnit.

Rambled by kaSh at 2:09 am

Tuesday, March 15, 2005

I went to town for a walk, lunch and a drink just now. It was crowded; full of teenagers, youngsters or whatever you wanna call them. I just feel so old now. I am already 19 years of age and have never done anything great for myself or the people around me. Sometimes I just feel a little insignificant...

Yeah and I am really determined to get into FOM in NUS. I ain't sure what are the chances of entering FOM but I am giving it a try. Suddenly there's is burning enthusiasm inside me, wanting to get into FOM...

Being a doctor was my childhood ambition.. "I wanna be a doctor when I grow up!" That was what I always told my mother. As a result she bought books such as How my Body Works for me to read when I was young... like primary 3... By the time I was in Primary 6 I was more or less familiarized with the human anatomy.

I changed my "ambition" when I entered JC. Engineering was floating in my mind since the subjects I took only applied mostly to the FOE. When I was browsing through the NUS webby after I got back my results, I saw the prerequisite for FOM and I thought I was able to enter FOM... why not give it a try..

Lunch: $8
Ice Cream: $3
Coffeebean: $6

Suddenly everything comes back to haunt me. What if I cannot get into the course I want? What if my interview isn't successful? What if I screw the whole damn thing up? What if I don't even get shortlisted in the first place? All the what ifs...

Yeah, nevertheless, I still wanna try... Sometimes it's better to give it a try for you will never know what the outcome is. Although sometimes it will turn out what you may not expect, but you can always tell yourself that, yeah at least you tried, unlike most of the people out there, without any confidence and such, and do not even give the thought of trying..

Chemical Engineering isn't a bad 2nd choice afterall.

Rambled by kaSh at 11:35 pm

Oh! I finally found some answers to the question: Why do I care?

I care because I am afraid to lose. Sometimes when my friends are in need of trouble, I wanna help.

I care because I cannot neglect them. If they need any help, I will do my best.

Sometimes I go to such an extent which some people will be mistaken for that care and concern to be infactuation or other wtf things which you wanna call that.

Sometimes I go to such an extent which I am too possessive, because when I care and I THOUGHT you don't appreciate and thus something like this happened. It's not by saying that you appreciate, I will feel it... action speaks louder than words.

Why I don't care then?

Sometimes and most of the times I find it redundant to give a shiet about things such as why did it not rain for the past few days, because these things are beyong my control, even if I whine over a thousand times it will not change that present situation.

Sometimes it's not my problem at all. You have a tiff with someone who is close to you, yeah I can choose not to care, but I do care because I wanna help. But sometimes people just tell me redundant things which I simply keep repeating to myself "it's not my prob".

No, I don't mean that you can't find me when you need someone to be there for me, or wanting someone to lend a listening ear and such. I don't mean that. Seriously.

And yeah, I seriously don't give a shiet if you care reading this or if you wanna flame anything about what is going wrong with my blog and all that because I don't really care.

I care for the people who care for me.

And I ought to be shot for writing such dumb and pointless entry. Nevermind it is always been like that. I talk shiet, I write shiet, I sing shiet. Everything which comes out from my brain and mouth, converted to words or sound waves, are just nothing but rubbish thoughts from my mind.

They say I think too much. I think too much because I used my brains on wrong things such as why do I suck at life, comments given by everyone saying that this thing sucks, using profund words to shoot the back of my head. I should use my brains in fields such as discovering my special talent and write it down in the application form of NUS, playing a serious game of badminton, maybe sometimes help from my juniors on curriculum subjects or being able to make money.

I just don't know how to control myself. I couldn't sleep because I think too much. And trust me, it isn't that old issue anymore, I don't even wanna give a 0.01% of fuckshiet for that. It's over so fuck it, but it's regarding something which I feel that it's... oh well sometimes it's difficult to put in words. I don't know what happened. Something's wrong man..

Shoot me, please Fel.

Rambled by kaSh at 2:03 am

Monday, March 14, 2005

I hate it when I run out of breathe after just a few shots in the game. I hate it when I make hell lotsa mistakes. I hate to feel real tired, physically tired... my mind says never but my body just gave up... argh. Something's really wrong. Fuck the smoke man.

I need to use my fucking brains. I think it is under ultilized. Goddamnit. I need to use it in everything: badminton, sleeping, doing this and that.. everything...

And I will keep fucking think too much and I will get a goddamn nervous breakdown again. What the fuck? Can't I just use my brains to think for the better? Maybe it's just too much to withstand the shiet that I had bore.

I hate it. In order to keep myself healthy I shall refrain from those alcohols and cigarettes. I am not a fucking smoker by the fucking way, so to those who HATE smokers and think that I am one, you can fucking flame me now, and I don't fucking care. I started that shiet because of a girl and I have abstaining it for months, just that whenever I frequent the clubs I go outta control.

Get me another girl and I will fucking stop that shiet of acculmulating road tar into my precious lungs. No fucking wonder I feel so weak, with puffy eyes and all the stupid and disgusting symptoms.... and can't play proper badminton. Fuck.

Rambled by kaSh at 11:42 pm

Sunday:

Basically this day was a sleeping day. I got up at 1pm in the afternoon, at my lunch, and came online to chat and chat and chat and chat. Nothing much really, then went down to play badminton again. I was outta breath after a few shots of my first game, guess it's due to those stupid smoke floating around in the club... Goddamnit. I feel so weak man.

I played like shiet. I got whacked on the face and the back of head by the shuttle. and the worse thing is, it was my partner who hit me, not the opponent. Goddamn unlucky.

We went to block 85 to have our dinner afterwards. Ate quite alot since I was really hungry at that time... and somehow along the way there I felt not right again. I guess someone knows what I meant eh? haha

Today:

Fel woke me up at 1130. I am so tired. Oh man. Then went down to have lunch with her. Long John Silvers'. You know what I don't really like LJS (Pardon my Fel) but oh well anyways it's ok since I haven't have that for a long time. Then walked around. I feel like piercing my ear, but I'll end up looking like one chao ah beng. Hmm.....

Dinner: 10.30
LJS: $10

The day isn't over yet. I am home now because Fel had to leave. If not I will be wandering around the east area without any specific location to move on. Will be having badminton later again, and I will be breathless again after a few shots, and I hate that kind of feeling... without any stamina and such, really feel so damn useless in the court...

Anyways I have around 5 more weeks before my enlistment. I feel that I have lotsa things to do suddenly. Oh man... I will sort them out when I have the time (which I have it all the time).

Last but not least, to Qi yin: Hey girl cheer up man. I know when you are down so please don't try to hide it from me by telling me that you are ok when you aren't, telling me that you are having flu when you were actually crying... You know that I am sensitive so don't hide anything from me... but anyways, hey I've realised that life is not all about relationships and such, sometimes you need time to look around for people who are better, and sometimes you need time for yourself to do things which you are really interested in. Cheer up babe!

You know I'll be there for you whenever you need me.

Rambled by kaSh at 3:50 pm

Sunday, March 13, 2005

Clubbed yesterday at Rouge. I think I am gonna die soon. Anyways it was fun there. Perspired alot, but it was really fun.

Club: $16
Food: $14
Taxi: $10
Movie: $8.50
Lunch: $10

No money alreadyyyyyyyy.

Goddamnit. NUS was so packed yesterday. Can't even walk properly. So in the end we went to watch movie at Tiong Bahru instead, and just f care and register online in a few days time. By the way, the application form requires me to write some special talent about myself. Goddamnit I only know how to sleep.

I feel like slapping someone's face. KNN.

Rambled by kaSh at 2:13 pm

Saturday, March 12, 2005

Alas my system configuration! Bear in mind that this system was purchased 2 years ago and has seldom received any upgrading for the past 2 years.

Asus A7N8X (nForce2 chipset) Motherboard
AMD Athlon XP 2200+ @ 1.8gHz
Kingston DDR SDRAM PC-2700 256MB x 2 @ 512MB
Kingston DDR SDRAM PC-2700 512MB
Western Digital 8MB cache 100GB 7200rpm HDD
ATI Radeon 9700PRO 128mb DDR
Creative Digital Entertainment Live! 5.1
Pioneer 16x (52x) DVD ROM
Plextor Plexwriter 48x24x48x CDRW
Altec Lansing XA3051 5.1 Speakers
Samsung SyncMaster 710N 17'' TFT LCD Monitor

Yeah it was a long time since I've posted my system configurations already. And yeah mei, I wont leave you aside!!!!

Rambled by kaSh at 10:19 am

Friday, March 11, 2005

My arm hurts like zzz goddamnit! Anyways I really can't sleep man. Oh man.. Ok I bought this new monitor! LCD! Samsung 710N (Courtesy of Leon for introducing me this monitor) which is good man...

Yeah I played badminton in school today and my arm really hurts now. Gonna get my mum to help me message! Hahaha. Anyways nothing really interesting happened today. Just the same old lifetsyle.. Yeah. So like nothing to talk about, and yeah to those who are still worried for me, don't worry I am trying really hard to move on.. Yeah.. I can see myself moving on.. The reason why I can't sleep is because the weather is too humid.. Goddamnit.

Samsung 710N: $450
2 cans of 100 plus: $2
Gifts: ???
Taxi: $10

I'vebeen sitting taxis for god knows for how many days, I do think that I am rich!

It's a liability! Argh!

Rambled by kaSh at 8:51 pm

Blogger was down, tagboard is down, wtf man.

Taxi: $7
Taxi: $2.50
Taxi: $4
Taxi: $6
Court: $6
Mac: $6

Went to the IT exhibition thingy (Suppose to be the biggest IT exhibition in Singapore, oh man). It was crowded, streamed with lotsa rich people picking their stuffs blindly without even know what the hell are they doing. Nowadays technology is so advanced that we never know where are we going to live the next moment. Things there are so high tech and nice, the features of some gadgets are unbelievable, the designs, flawless.

Oh, I can't sleep, again. I don't know what's the problem. I feel that I have no problems. Oh. Maybe the weather's too hot for me already. Yeah. Or maybe I slept roo early (like 2am). Or maybe my bed just simply sucks.

Oh, I've forgotten what I wanna write =)

Rambled by kaSh at 10:11 am

Thursday, March 10, 2005

Tiring day. Played badminton from 3 to 10. Then went blk 85 to eat and eat and eat until my exercise previously was goddamn wasted. Feel really bloated now. argh.

BTW I bought this new racket. The brand's fleet or something.. and model.. something something 2888. LOL. Yeah I know you all dont care, so bite me.

And you know what? Qi Yin gave me this box of Ferreo Rocher! With a note! WOW. So touched by her! Just a present erm... for me to... stop thinking too much? Really really really sweet of her to do that. Thank you babe, I really appreciate that... will get you more things in the future... hahahaha and you are the best, the nicest and the sweetest girl, although always tio suanned by you everytime, nvm you will get back them from me too =)

Racket: $65
Ah Balling: $3.50
Stingray: $10
Sotong: $6
Rice: $0.50
Courts: $6
2 cans of 100 plus: $2
Chicken rice for lunch: $3

Yeah and once again, thank you Qi Yin! You are really sweet! =)

Rambled by kaSh at 2:12 am

Wednesday, March 09, 2005

Medicine medicine medicine medicine medicine medicine medicine medicine medicine medicine medicine medicine medicine medicine medicine medicine medicine medicine medicine medicine medicine medicine medicine medicine medicine medicine medicine medicine medicine medicine.

When I was in JC I always thought Engineering was the only choice for me since I took such a f up combination. Engineering lah that's the only shiet way out. OMG. Now I am thinking of Medicine and Psychology... they say the degree in psychology isn't really recognised in Singapore. Oh man, so I'll be a psychiatrist instead.

Architecture comes into my mind too. Too bad after 10 years there will not be any buildings left for me to design in Singapore.. well maybe I can head to India or China to draw some infrastructures there.

Either ways the feeling of having a Dr status runs through my mind now and then. Dr Low. LoL. Dr Low here and there. Wah you feel really proud man!

I am going to NUS. I don't care. I am in there, whatever course I will take, I will go there. I am an NUS student 2 years later. Hohoho. Top 20 Universities in the world, who doesn't wanna be there?

I need some soothing music to calm and relax myself and to tell myself not to be so frustrated over small things. Anger management is really important and patience is the key. I've learnt that, too bad I am still hot tempered and lotsa vulgarities are heard from my mouth frequently.

Just having the thought of going overseas before my enlistment. Anywhere will do, even Batam. I just wanna get my ass outta Singapore. Who's willing to go with me? Please. Not Batam. I say for fun only. =)

I wanna spend some serious money someday.

iPodMini
Western Digital 80gig HDD
A webcam
An electric guitar

In the future I would like to spend more serious money, when I have an income..

A car
Roland TD20 Electronic Drumset
A sofa, a new bed, renovate my whole house or better still, get a new one
Sign credit cards
Have loads and loads of shares and bonds and real estates

I wanna be rich someday.

Rambled by kaSh at 4:09 am

Tuesday, March 08, 2005

You know what, when I have that thought of my friends getting A and B for their Further Mathematics, I always wondered: Why the FUCK did I drop that subject at the beginning of the year? Why was it me? WHY CAN'T SOMEONE JUST TALK TO ME ON NOT DROPPING THAT SUBJECT? Why am I so mesmerized into you, sacrificing even this stupid thing which was so important to me and my future, in the fucking end you left without saying a shiet, letting the WHOLE DAMN WORLD to laugh at me, telling me that Alvin YOU REALLY SUCK AT EVERYTHING EVEN AT MAKING CRUCIAL DECISIONS YOU CAN'T EVEN DECIDE WHAT'S GOOD AND WHAT'S NOT IN THE LONG RUN.

One of the few things which I've regretted the most. I thought you were my life, but in the end, it wasn't meant to be. In the end, you won, anyways and anytime... in the end, the fucked up and the loser was me, no one else but me. Ask me if the sacrifices I made were worth it, yes it was. It was really worth sacrificing every single thing for you.

Can someone just slap me, wake me up into not brooding over this matter of regretting the withdrawal of my subject and all the shiet which you all know which is happening inside me? Please? Someone? Isabelle, HuiQi, girl, Fel, whoever reads my blog? Someone?

Ask me if they are worth it now, no, not anymore.

Rambled by kaSh at 2:57 am

Monday, March 07, 2005

Last Wednesday I happened to walk to Bedok Sports hall, due to a severe nervous breakdown which was followed by a series of unfortunate and f up events, which was previously followed by ALOT of shiet I got from... yeah you know, I met this group of uncles who were playing badminton and I wanted to join in, but was too... yeah first time there, so a little embarrassed to ask for a court. So after watching them play for a long time, I finally approached one of them who was sitting outside of the hall. He was really friendly and told us if you we had the time in the future we could just go down ever 7pm to 10pm for games.

It was my first time going down yesterday. Another Uncle told me that there is there guy who owns Arena Country Club in Jurong (yeah the founder), has a position in the parliment, a professor in Engineering, playing with lotsa stocks, bonds and real estates, sponsors the whole organisation 60 grand a year! WTF! And the best thing is they actually form teams to join competitions organized by various clubs. Guess what? State players from other countries are in this team! Yeah. He said, "National team players come fight with us also no use." I was like wahahahahah wtf man are we really that lucky, just walking and strolling hoping to get a court around Bedok when I was really really really down, walked into these group of pro players, approached and asked if we could join, and the next thing is we are in the team, and we were told WTF STATE PLAYERS ARE JUST AROUND THE CORNER! WOOHOO! Blessing in disguise man..

Starbucks: $6
Taxi: $12
Badminton Strings: $10
Court: $6

And yeah I've decided to put Medicine as my first choice. Yeah. I can create drugs and drug you mofos out there, or in the near future some kind of drug which I've create may grant you longevity. Or you guys out there if you need a more powerful version of viagra, you can come look for me. LOL.

Medicine, then Chem Engin, then Psycho, then... goddamnit. Then what? Architect? Worse comes to worse, Science and I can become a no life lecturer or Professor hanging around the University for the rest of my life...

Argh Engineering is so dry!

Btw State players are players who represent their states of other countries and often these people come to Singapore to coach various schools and even some national players are under them. Hehehe

Goddamnit.

Rambled by kaSh at 1:45 pm

Sunday, March 06, 2005

You know what, when I read something written by someone who is whining or just simply pouring out about someone special to them, someone who they cannot take their eyes off, and worse still, someone who breaks their heart, I felt really sad...

And when this continues for like 5743574532 days, I will get irritated and pissed of at the whining shiet.

So I do learn a lesson, everyone's unique 'cause they don't feel the same way as me. All of you read my shiet for the past few entries and some keep quiet and some tagged and comforted me and some who hated it but never voiced out.

So a lesson learnt: I won't whine over someone anymore, I will just rant and flame. Yeah.

Fuck you!

P.S: I am once again sorry for the explicit language used for the previous entries.

Rambled by kaSh at 1:22 am

Saturday, March 05, 2005

Ok first of, I screwed my whole day shiet during the period of Prelims and A levels. I went cycling the night before during the Prelims phy paper at 3am in the morning because I was too f up. Yeah.

And I absolutely was having fun in the library walking around disturbing people and I know YOU ALL HATE ME for that and how I wished I got banned from the library at that time. Hopping around tables, trying to coax my friends into having lunch with me when the clock strikes 1130 in the afternoon, and then having a 2 to 3 hour lunch break, then going back to the library realising that we had only 3 more hours to mug, and in the end, I told myself "I don't wanna care anymore."

And there was this point of time I got addicted to this game called Maple Story which I kept on playing and playing and playing and playing (thanks for Hui Ling, Belle and Yin Jie) yeah and playing non stop and I simply don't have any stupid interest in studying the A levels anymore. It was in the middle of the exams.

And you get the point whereby the exams started at 8, you got up at 745 to rush, bathe, blah blah blah and just bring a pen and pencil and eraser and ruler and your calculator with you, walked to school as if you were somehow a big piece of shiet with that green colour uniform, checking you cell phone which indicated OMG 8am and you were damn late for the exam, and when you reached there, everyone was sitted down and you rushed to your sit, and told yourself "Chemistry paper 3 WTF?!?!"

And subsequently you will wake up ay 745 and just bring a pen, pencil, eraser and ruler to go to take your ADVANCED LEVEL exams without evening having the courtesy of at least, bringing a goddamn pouch there too.

And Physics design? MCQ? I finished damn early and went to sleep without checking a goddamn shiet thinking I was really very good. Yeah and when the exam had finish you crushed your entry proof and tossed it away.

2 years have officially ended for me, some good, some really bad, and some I don't wanna fooking care again.

Haha, not to mention I always phone up my friends to ask them where are they and trying to bluff my way through by getting them to come down to the school library to study with me, but in the end, waiting for milo and me, walking around (as usual), printing some past year papers to do, yeah I did all of them especially physics, walking around finding people to chat with, the teachers too, and going out for suppers and talk alot of shiet, yeah and of course encouraging my friends and got encouraged by them too.

I still get a fooking AAB. Kiss my ass suckers =)

Rambled by kaSh at 2:08 pm

Friday, March 04, 2005

To those who wished me luck the day before, yesterday and this morning: Thank you for your generously blessings!!!

To those who congratulated me for doing, erm well: Thank you guys!

To those who don't give a fuck: Yeah I don't care too.

To those who were waiting for me to get to you and I've forgotten: I am so sorry, and thanks for waiting!

To thsoe who wanted to give a shiet but didn't have the chance to: I appreciate that thought, thank you!

To those who yeah, really don't have that little fooking interest at all: Fuck you all.

I wasn't nervous, because somehow or rather I knew my results beforehand. Oh well. Anyways it's all over...

Life still goes on, come on guys, if you need any help which I am capable of, I will definately do so, just call me... I wanna help... don't be sad or what, life still eventually goes on... Buck up guys..

Movie: Hitch: $7.50
Yoshinoya: $10
Coffee Club: $2 (courtesy of Hoong for paying for me)
Cab fare: $10
Chocolates for Qi Yin: $5
Dinner (2 meals of macdonalds): $12
Sundae: $2
Yet more chocolates for Qi Yin (Hersheys): $40
O$P$: $200
Movie (A series of unfortunate events): $17

Oh yeah, did I mention that I don't give that cookies and cream hersheys choco anyhow? Because it was some token of love someone gave it to me a few years back, yeah so I followed that tradition... I broke it today because there wasn't any Hersheys' flavour left around, except for that.

I got A for math, A for chem, and B for physics, 5 for GP. Sometimes I wonder why I don't always get what I expected. Anyways thank you for those who congratulated me again and again.

You know what, for the past 3 months I've never felt so happy, so glad like ever before.

And you know what, I WAS a fucking dimwit to dropped FM not because I didn't like the teacher, nor because I was so jealous of you people having free periods, but over a girl, yeah you heard me. I've regretted. Fuck. I am a dumbfuck.

Anyways, I am happy, happy for my results. I guess it can overwrite all my stupid emotions for the coming month or so.

I don't give a shiet anymore. Yeah. You know what I mean.

Rambled by kaSh at 11:14 pm

Thursday, March 03, 2005

At least I have a few friends who are willing to be there for me for the whole night to hear my fuckshiet.

Yeah, I wanted to say alot of things to you, alot alot, I know you dont fucking care, and now, I ain't bothered to try to explain every single shiet to you. I kept thinking I am gonna get fucking crazy, all because of you. Yeah.

I don't wanna fucking care anymore. I cared too much and you don't fucking appreciate it. Oh well, maybe you appreciated it, I don't know, 'cause you won't wanna say anything out and I am sick and tired of going through the whole process of getting everything out from you again.

Maybe we aren't happy if we are together. Because I am fucked up and you are too. Because I compromised and you didn't see it. Fuck. I am sick and tired of this shiet, crying over such fucking things, banging my head onto the wall thinking why am I so useless and all that stupid things happened.

I don't care now.

Let's just say we didn't know each other, since day one, I shouldn't have gone into such a class, shouldn't have made my choice to take F Maths and drop it later on, and now I still regret on my potential distinction subject. Let's just say in our lives we were always normal, we don't really meet quite often, no one's affecting each other's lives and fuck the prom.

Let's just pretend we've never met.

Rambled by kaSh at 3:52 pm

Wednesday, March 02, 2005

It didn't get any better. Or at least it did. Felt a little better. Just a little. I could get out of my bed and at least walked around my house after lying on there for the whole goddamn afternoon. I didn't know why. Perhaps it's the results? Perhaps knowing the truth which I already known, but not wanting to hear it from that very person? Perhaps it's just me. I feel really lonely. No one's there when I need them most. No one. I tried calling around. Everyone's busy. I realised that I have a major flaw: I wasn't what I used to be. Lifestyles changed. Everyone changed. Everything's drifting apart. Further away... I can feel... it is so damn real.

This is the real world. Not in fantasies, storybooks, TV shows or whatever. Every single mistake counts. Fuck. I should have realised it. I guess I know why I like to sleep, because I will be indulge in some fantasies which I will never achieve it in real life. In reality, I am just someone, like every other, waiting for time to pass, waiting for my time to be up, go to hell, and burn in there for eternity.

I felt really hopeless. Suddenly I thought the whole world meant nothing to me. Everything was nothing to me. I am depressed. But in that state I still could say something which I wanted to say to someone. Maybe she's the cure? I'll never know, because whatever things which are best hoped for, will not come so easily, so facilely, as if it is written in books...

At least there are people look up upon me and told me I ain't useless, just that most of the people out there can't see the light in me. My dearest mei of all, who knows everything, listened to me complaining and didnt even tried to ignore at all. Someone who I barely know for 2 weeks, yeah less than 2 weeks, told me things which as if she had known me for more than 5 years. Things which I don't think someone who knows you for 2 weeks will even give a fuck about it. They say it's just people don't appreciate and treasure things which are placed in front of them. I do sound like 'treasures' to them eh? But I really appreciate their words. It partially healed me.

Whats more can you ask for? When you are down the people you expected most aren't there for you, instead people who just, by fate and coincidence, walked into your life in just a matter of days, months or years, some even you don't really wanna talk to, came in and told you things you wanna hear from those you expected most, come to think of it, it's a blessing.

And I've made the whole world irritated today. I am sorry Mary, sorry Qi Yin, and a few others. I know it doesn't involves you, but I am really sorry.

Then again, I felt really down. This entry says it all. I don't care if I've blamed the world for it, the thing is I didn't blame anyone, except for myself. Let me say this, it's hard, really really hard not to think of it, it's easy to say, and I really do appreciate each time you tell me "do not think too much", "it's ok", "you aren't good for nothing", "cheer up" and those simple encouraging words, really appreciate them very very much.

It is still really hard to do them. I am sorry. I don't wanna give up. Please be there for me when I need you. Anyone will do.

Rambled by kaSh at 1:12 am

Tuesday, March 01, 2005

I just had a nervous breakdown. My heart felt really pain, more than a million million knives stabbed through it. I suddenly think that I have no purpose in life. Suddenly this world to me, it's just something useless. I've stopped trusting myself. All along I was just on the floor, I thought I was already up, but that wasn't the case. I am a failure, a loser, some good for nothing motherfucker. I just can't take it anymore, I really can't. No aim, no purpose, no direction, just sitting here doing nothing.. not doing anything a 19 year old should do. Why don't I just fucking leave this world?

Rambled by kaSh at 3:52 am

You think we should talk about this? Goddamnit. I don't know how to phrase it in another way. There are so many things to say but I just can't type it out publically and let the whole world know. Tell me what should I do? Sometimes I really wonder what the hell is wrong with me? Is it you or is it me? I have so many things to explain, so many things to mention, so many things to repeat, so many things to tell you but I don't have the chance to, and you don't have the time.

Try? Yes I wanna. but I don't know how and where and when to start. I don't wanna be too late. I will goddamn regret again. I hate this. I don't know when's the correct time.

Did I mention something about interested in, like and love? Though 3 different emotions but it all breaks down to something which can be felt in the heart, just it's a matter of strength when you use those words. The difference for me? I wont't really wanna care what happens to the girl if I am interested in her, or just rather, wanna get to know her more... I don't mind bragging over the phone or over msn that I am out with this girl who I barely knew for a week, and I don't mind that after that I've found out that she has another guy, which I don't really feel hurt in somehow or any other ways.

It's just someone who I wanna know more, someone who I find it, yeah maybe we can go further than that, but that's the future... the feeling isn't there.. THAT feeling isn't there. It's just not there.

Like? Oh man I don't know how to explain once it's beyond "interested in". Flirting around? Like more in depth of flirting? Maybe go out on dates or something, something's inside my heart which tells me that this is the one girl, but often or not, someone will just step into my world and give me a better feeling than her, and the target changes... feeling of like? Maybe somehow insecure or insincere if you wanna say, maybe somehow just some dates which I don't really wanna remember... but I still do cherish some unforgettable moments such as a nice romantic dinner or just a simple movie. Somehow this feeling I cannot really describe though.. maybe if you feel hurt then I feel it too, it's considered like... maybe if you are willing to hold my hand and allow me to, it's considered like.... maybe you agree to walk the beach with me, maybe it's considered like..

How about love? Someone who I cannot live without. Someone who I really can depend on, someone who I don't mind being with the rest of my life. Something which I cannot describe fully, because I've only been in love once, the others were, like, interested in, inflatuation, or whatever shiet you wanna call that. Love? It cannot be vanished over a couple of weeks, months or years. How about that description? Getting jealous over someone else? Jealous and admiration are two different things.

For instance, the girl of my dreams had a boyfriend. Ok, I wasn't jealous because I didn't have that feeling there. I admire that guy 'cause he has the girl of my dreams. Lucky bastard. And I absolutely don't give a shiet on whatever she does with her boyfriend. Period. Because it isn't like or love. It's different.

How about you? You want me to tell you the truth? Well perhaps you don't really care... because sometimes I think I am inferior to you already. Things change you know. From the expectation of you taking the initiative, it changes to I am the one who will be doing, and I know it won't be so easy as it was anymore.

I cared too much on what people said in the past. Screw them and fuck them. They don't control my life. I control it myself. Maybe that was one of the reasons which led me till today. What if history can be changed?

Screw the history books. If it was changed, I won't be here, and this will not happen. I don't want this to happen, but it happened eventually, and I would like to go back to the past to screw up everything just for me and myself, and I know I am being selfish. I cannot be like this. But all I want is just another chance? Maybe what I said in the past was f up. Something tells me that this thing isn't over, at least it a weak burning flame is in there... something which can be rekindled... yeah.. so how about it?

WTF. Something's wrong with me again. And all you fuckshiets out there can choose not to care. I write this because I feel like it. You can write down your comments but I will still go by my way, I control my life.

I know it's too long. If you bother to read it, thank you. And for the rest of you who bother to read it, thank you too.

How about a simple, romantic lunch with me some time in the future?

Rambled by kaSh at 1:58 am