This is my story...

Friday, April 22, 2005

***Warning: 2,055 words. Longest entry ever.***

Dear Mum and Dad

This is by far the longest period of my life living out of house. I remembered the only times which I wasn't at home were at chalets, and they lasted for not more than two nights. This time I will be gone for 2 weeks, and subsequently 5 more weeks with only freedom on the weekends. For the past 19 years both of you have nurtured me into a boy, although I know that sometimes I am quite mischievous, you all don't seem to mind at all. Now I am becoming a man, not a boy anymore, as you all have always long this period for your son.

I will not be able to sleep comfortably on my bed, play computer games late in the night, talking on the phone and sometimes waking you all up and get scolded and feeding the dog with sumptuous food. This will be a new chapter of my life, changing from a boy to a real man.

I feel a great sense of achievement by being your son; I hope I never let you down, by entering University was one of your dreams for me, and now, I will bring pride to the country, not as a civilian, but as a soldier, and I hope I won't let you down this time.

To the badminton ladies and gentlemen

When I first went back to TPJC after I graduated, I thought I will be outcast. Luckily I had another friend of mine who was willing to go back with me. I felt a sense of nostalgia, at the same time, I thought I would be really extra, interfering your training sessions, disturbing what's not my problem anymore and all the things. I don't belong to the school anymore you see.

But no. The boys team, you guys are really fun. It was after I'd graduated I found out that you guys are not like any other teams which I saw for the past 2 years. Although small, I love the company really much. Alton, Eng Liang, Elvin, Nicholas, Daryl, Alrif... I apologise for being really loud at times, being an asshole and those shiet but somehow or rather I wasn't hated by you all, instead you guys treated me as a family. For the past 4 months, though short, I could feel that I am in the team again. You all didn't leave me out for anything, instead wanted me to be part of it, it was really nice. I apologise for those stupid footworks and ranting at you all at times, but I did those for you own good. At least you all had a senior coming back to help out. I apologise for my limited talent for the game, otherwise I will impart them to you all without regret.

I appreciate those chat sessions we had occasionally and such, you all didn't leave me out like you all did to someone else. I wish you guys good luck, and you'll see me again.

It is fate that brought us together. Sometimes I wondered what would happen if I did not step into the school right after I'd graduated. But that's destiny. Destiny brought us to know one another. The glorifying ladies. Michelle, Beverly, Qi Yin, Jing Fang. I realised that we did not have any link into knowing one another but somehow or rather my trips back to school paid off by making friends with you ladies. I really really apologise for being unable to teach as much things as I could. I wanted to, I wanted to teach badly, because most of you have the potential, I felt that it was a pure waste for not unleashing that talent in you all.

Thought a short period of time, I realised that you ladies are really fun. Due to some limitations and such it was inevitable and regretful for not imparting my skills to you. Jing Fang, though I don't really know you, but I believe that you are a really sweet girl. Though we seldom talk nowadays, I remembered you as a sweet friend of mine. Mich and Bev, you two are always together and because of that, it's cute! Sorry, the most was the footwork, we didn't have much time you see. Remember to do your wristwork, and the basic position; you hit when the ball is the highest, your biceps touching your ear, and bend your arm before swinging. Bev is really hardworking, and please do continue to be like that, you will have your 3 distinctions guaranteed. Qi Yin, the infamous Ah Lian... nothing to talk about you lah. hahaha.

Though not a big deal, I feel that this will be another chapter of my life and for the past 4 months, I think I have not wasted them on working. Sometimes being rich isn't owning money and materials, but instead the friendships that I've moulded for the past 4 months, is enough to make me rich for the entire rest of my life. Being a soldier, not going to be hanged, that is why there isn't any big deal, however I wrote this because I want all of you to be remembered, so ten years down the road when I review my blog, I will think back; I didn't waste my 4 months like most of the people said; slacking at home. I've found new friends who worth much much more than money.

To the girl who has her place in my heart

Maybe by the time you've read this, you will know who you are, or rather if you do read this at all. When I first met you, I told myself; it doesn't harm to approach your of a conversation or two, and so I did. Just by exchanging a few words I knew what the person is in you. I told my friends around me, I knew a girl who is close to what I call 'the perfect one' for me.

But then again I suffered setbacks from my previous relationship. You were one of them who slapped me and woke me up from my endless whining of the world. I realised that yeah life isn't all about the past, it's the future. You said if the people around me could handle such things, why not me?

I was really unstable at those moments, but you are the only truly girl who I can speak to comfortably, again. I've realised that I've not done anything nice or touching to attract your attention; somehow or rather I was really afraid to do that again. I was afraid that I will fall again. So I kept within my heart since the time came. I never really expressed my feelings, maybe my actions showed a little, maybe you had your suspicions, but nevertheless you didn't question me on that, I felt relieved.

And now, thought still confused inside, I would like to tell you that I've fallen down. But I know it is impossible for us to be like what I yearning for, that's the reason why I didn't say it out. There were times which I felt really uncomfortable chatting with you, not because of you, but it's me. I didn't know what to do, and sometimes I felt really difficult approaching you face to face. I don't know why.

The truth is it's coincidental. But sometimes I really felt you are disturbed and upset through your SMS messages, despite asking, you didn't tell me about it. I felt really sad at those moments; unable to help you and I felt useless. I can't concentrate well on doing my stuff, I cannot sleep in the night, partly because I know that you are down, and partly because I didn't know what to do. Should I stay or go?

I really enjoyed your company at times. The things that we chatted; practically everything under the sun. You are someone who never fails to amuse me and I like it really much. You solved my problems just by a few words which I really appreciate it. But sometimes my heart aches, the feeling of someone who is beside you, and she isn't yours, really really hurts.

I am sorry to make you cry. I didn't meant to hurt you in any ways. I am really sorry. I am sorry to look fierce to you, I am sorry for having a harsh tone at times, I am sorry for treating you so badly, I am sorry for those words which seemed to sound really crude, but deep in my heart I knew I didn't mean that. I am sorry to lie at you, lying about you aren't the one in my dreams, lying about you aren't the one who I am thinking of most of the times, lying about the reasons for doing something for you are no reasons at all. I am sorry that I cannot speak the truth to you, because I knew that if I had done it, something severe will happen. Keeping them in my heart really hurts, especially at times I get to see you. I am sorry for being the baddest guy you've ever met. I am sorry for being the first person who was so really mad at you. I am sorry I wasn't good enough to help you in your homework. I am sorry for making fun at you most of the time. I am sorry for unable to be there for you, to solve your problems when you needed me. I am sorry for the sudden change in temper at times.

Maybe you are the better girl... no, I don't wish to compare you with others. Because I knew that if I do, every trait of yours will be better than the others. Sometimes I wish to stop, stop thinking about this. Life goes on yeah, and I am moving on with my life, but somehow or rather I stopped and looked around and I've found you. Whether or not you were standing there waiting for someone, I didn't know.

You said it was really a suffering for the girl if her boyfriend enters the army, leaving her alone. I find your words meaningful. In fact I always cherish your words, because you are simply the apple of my eye.

If looking at you causes me to have stomach cramps and pains, I would rather suffer in silence, just to see you every single minute.

If you appearing my dreams is a nightmare, then I would rather have nightmares for the rest of my life, and I still sleep peacefully.

If just by being with you makes me sick, then I would rather spend the money on my medication fees till eternity, so that I can be with you.

If driving you around will cause me to get involved in collisions with other vehicles, then I would rather drive a big bus, so that I will leave unhurt at the end of the incident, realising that you are fine too.

I would rather make you fat than to make you cry. Because I don't mind you physical appearance a decade later, but I mind hurting your fragile heart which cannot be heal even after a century of bitterness.

If crying on my shoulder makes you feel better, I don't mind being your tissue paper.

If it takes a day or two for you to reply me, then I will always be there waiting for the replies, no matter how long it takes.

I don't know. This is the matter which I wanted to say it out, but I didn't know how to say, and for the past few days I cannot sleep, just because I know that I am going into the army, and I have things to tell you, but I couldn't...

In fact I dreamt of you most of the time. There was this time I dreamt of you seeing me off to the army camp. You gave me a surprise. You told me to take care when you were leaving. You were there at the moment when I turned into a soldier from a cilivian. Your presence was really worthwhile. But it's all a dream..

I will miss you all, especially you...

Rambled by kaSh at 10:23 am

I am going into Pulau Tekong. Yeah. I am going to be a soldier. Yeah.

See you all guys and girls in two weeks' time.

And I'll call those who I promised to.

Hear from me.

Rambled by kaSh at 1:03 am

Thursday, April 21, 2005

Went back for the last badminton training at TPJC yesterday. Damn what lah they made me wait until 4 plus then all of them came. It was fun... yeah..

Nothing much. Just waiting for my enlistment now. I think I am going to die in there. Getting up at 5?? No afternoon naps?? Run like nobody's business? Cannot use the computer?

Oh My God!

And yeah, when we have the time, I think we should:

- Go night cycling again.
- Get a PC game like WoW and chiong for the whole day and night. I mean WHOLE day AND night.
- Chalets! BBQ! Sheng Xiong! Tanah Merah Safra Resort! Aloha Loyang! Basketball with rings high enough to dunk! Swimming and Jacuzzi! BRING GIRLS HAHAHAHAHA. Strumming the stupid guitar for the whole damn night!
- Get drunk with vodka, gin, whisky in chalets
- Go fishing!
- Conference at night to talk about girls and play CS and whatever games which requires ghosting

Yeah. It was fun.

Rambled by kaSh at 2:55 pm

Wednesday, April 20, 2005

Spending my last days as a cilivian staying at home playing World of Warcraft. Anyways managed to get my ass out today to catch Guess Who. Funny show, quite stupid and entertaining.

It said no matter what the girls do, they are always right. Everything is right. Yeah. Even if they are mad and walk off you suddenly. They are right. That is because you love her.

What the hell.

I just realised that I am having less and less things to write.

Oh my god.

My cousin-in-law asked me something when I was making another extra pair of specs for my army on Monday.

"Where's your friend? That girl-friend of yours?"

Who the hell? Are you talking about her? Oh man. Oh man...

I sighed.

"Don't have already."

You just can't get rid of the past. You just have to leave it dead. But dead memories haunt.

New experiences will put you into something as if it is never felt before, again. It is hard to repeat every single step, sometimes skipping a few, to get what it is meant for you. But then again if the steps aren't taken, you won't know if it belongs to you or not.

Sometimes it's just all about the guts and courage in you.

Maybe she felt something. I know. But I kept denying. I am once again sorry for lying. I really don't know how to say. If you know about it, why not just drop by something that I will know? Something like that lah. Confused mindset.

If it means to run a mile just to get to see you, I am more than willing to keep on running for the rest of my life.

Rambled by kaSh at 12:42 am

Monday, April 18, 2005

4 more days!

Advices from my friends are such as doing the things which I wanna do now before is too late, sleep early, go for some physical training and all that..

Doing things which I wanna do before it's too late.

Oh man. Sometimes we human beings just have to take that risk.

It's because we are afraid of taking risks, we are most of the time left behind.

You hold the key to my heart. Please don't duplicate or misplace it.

I am sorry if I lied. I lied not because I don't want you to know the truth, but because I don't have the courage to tell you.

Call me stupid, dumbwit or whatever, call me someone who isn't someone of his word. I just don't know how to say it out.

Rambled by kaSh at 12:05 am

Saturday, April 16, 2005

***This entry contains explicit verbal content. Children under the age of 18 are STRICTLY ADVISABLE to refrain from this post.***

While on the way home from my badminton session at Marine Parade, there were 3 bangalas came aboard of the bus and sat beside me. I was at the end of the bus, corner sit. They were SO FUCKING IRRITATING. They speak a lanaguage no men understand, their voice held up so loud that the bus driver could hear. What the fuck. I blasted my MP3 to the max and I could hear them whining and chanting and speaking so fucking loud, as if the whole fucking bus is the country of Bangala. Fucking irritating shiets around me.

I am so fucking stupid. I've realised it long ago, but until now I still feel I am so fucking stupid. Ok let's see. First and foremost, I felt really so fucking stupid trusting you. Yeah you got me into shiet. I asked time and again how did the others know of what happened to us, and asked if you told anything, you said no you didn't and you promised me not to breathe a word. Ok great. Just a month ago my friend told me he knew everything.

HOW THE FUCK COULD I GET SO FUCKING STUPID? TELL ME. The world fucking world knows what's going on. I told you it was strictly between both of us, and to think I am so fucking dumb to believe every word you say and I did not even doubt you. I was wondering how the fuck did I get so stupid?

And how the fuck did you get so sly? You weren't stupid, I know. But I never thought of you doing all the shiet to me. Despite being ranted by my friends and everyone around me, I neglected them and cared for you more than I ever do. Even if you did not wanna be with me at the end, at least please fucking have some pride in yourself, not doing those fucked up shiets behind my back, ane because of that up till now my good buddy and I were not as good terms as before.... it's ALL BECAUSE OF YOU.

Maybe it's me too. Tell me if I suck. Maybe I was too possessive. Maybe I was to forceful. Yes you told me. Maybe you were really afraid of me. Yes. BUT DO I FUCKING DESERVE ALL THAT? TELL ME. DO I?

You fucking suck. I just don't fucking know how to get rid of you in my mind. You've been such a great person in front of me, but when I come to think of it, what the fuck, you kept on betraying my trust time and again, time and again and time and again and to think that I still tell you "I trust you. It's ok". Fuck. Am I stupid or stupid?

It's so goddamn lucky I still have trustworthy friends around me, for exposing your shiet, your betrayal on me. I ain't only angry, but hurt and disappointed as well. How I wish you will just be burned in eternity and die a thousand lifetimes solely on accidents. What the fuck, I just sometimes don't know what have I done to deserve shiet from you. So fucking what if you are stubborn? So fucking what if you keep everything to yourself? Yes I do care, but as least appreciate that shiet. I don't usually do that to people.

Just like what my mum told me, you aren't fucking good enough for me. I don't care even if you possess the greatest wealth on Earth. You just don't like any prettier than my ex-es, and you don't have the character which I seek for. I just fell for you because I thought you were for me.

I just think it wasn't meant to be with at all, maybe God has his reasons to do this to me. Anyways, fuck you. Yeah.

Maybe I just can't get rid of the past.

Rambled by kaSh at 9:55 pm

WTF? 4 courts with only 6 people turned up in all? You call that a training session? And wasted my bloodly time just to get up of my bed after reading a SMS sent by my teacher asking me to help book courts for you guys' training today, then in the end, that's what I got??? 6 pathetic guys including me wandering around 4 courts? Goddamn waste of my time! I cherish my sleep so much ok.

I don't blame the teacher or what, I just find it so screwed up. What the hell are you all thinking?

Trust me, it's not the past. I think I let it go already. It's so screwed up when I thought of it though, but anyways why let it bother?

Hahahahaha what the hell.

Ate Billy Bombers again. Spent a bomb there. Played pool. Then I just reached home.

By the way my friend from Tekong called. Yeah he told me to do whatever I can now, if not I will not be able to do them when I am in the army already, because I will feel like dying there. No freedom no nothing. Argh.

I will miss you too!

Rambled by kaSh at 12:43 am

Friday, April 15, 2005

Flaws of Homo Sapiens are known to be inevitable, for somehow or rather actions and consequences, causes and effects are unintentionally indoctrinated in us. Most of the times by eliminating that hamartia deemed unsuccessful, however reducing them is somewhat a better of both choices.

The idea of giving more than taking, giving into someone more than you have ever ask for, is not the intention of changing one, but instead, it is to accept one as a whole; a whole truth, a whole being, regardless of one's strengths and weaknesses, physically and mentally.

And this leads to another affection named "regret". To do things you wished you wouldn't have, to undo things you have done. Things will not be like this if you have not done such an action, which will lead to an undesirable consequence, which one will ask himself someday, the question of why had he done that.

Does it matter if the feeling of love is left unspoken, untold? When one passed away, the things which float in his friends, his relatives' minds are his exceptional and generous character, his everlasting passion for a hobby, his strong determination for everything he did, his words and actions which encouraged the people around him, his aura of love surrounded the people.

Why can't this be told and mentioned when one was alive?

Simply because we take things for granted, too much of it will lead us to addiction and dependence on it. When all of a sudden that object disappears, we will see a vast emptiness in front of us, realising it was all but a detest. That feeling which drives us to have such a passion towards that object is called love.

Sometimes by mentioning words which are sensitive, leads to something which is displeased. That's the reason why I have not been saying what was the cause of most of the unpleasent things which happened around me. It's better to keep it a mum, than to make a fuss out of it. However the feeling of letting the other person know is somewhat a disturbing one. I will get used to it soon.

What if mistakes are repeated again?

I just know that I will miss you. It doesn't matter if you know who you are, because this isn't the time to have such trivial, yet astounding matters to be mentioned.

What the hell am I talking.

Rambled by kaSh at 3:33 am

Thursday, April 14, 2005

I had only less than 5 hours of sleep. Somehow or rather I cannot sleep, maybe it's World of Warcraft.

Then I went to school for badminton, well one of the last few sessions already. Haha you know what I sorta promised Michelle to be some kind of gentleman on that day, but apparently she wasn't really noticing about me, and I swear I tried really hard to control my usage of vulgarities, walk properly and not shouting out so damn loud! Yeah really!

Anyways I don't really have the time to teach you what u wanted to learn. I don't know when I will have the time, since I promised you, but we don't have the time it looked like I am indifferent towards it, but trust me, I am not, it's just that I don't know when is the right time for you to learn things from me.

Seriously I would like to teach but there isn't any chances for me. Haiz. I am really sorry man.. well anyways I do think there will be other chances next time, although I am enlisting soon, I will have the time, but not as much as like now...

Anyways the boys are really damn funny lah. I didn't have such people during my batch. This batch of guys are really sorta crazy and do stupid things together. You can laugh every 5 minutes while playing in the court, and well they really do footwork training.

There was one time they were laughing like mad while doing their footwork halfway. Haha. I wondered what were they laughing at. When I they pointed out they were laughing at some guy doing the WRONG footwork. It was damn hilarious lah, their laughter and gesture made me laughed too, and that guy's footwork, and they were talking about it for the whole damn time, and personally I think Bev's footwork was better than his. LOL. Seriously!

And when I tried playing a match with one of my juniors, I was really damn tired and shagged. I felt like I was almost dying... that feeling... never been so tired for my whole life already... what the hell is wrong with me? Maybe it's my stamina, I don't have any, and maybe it was due to the less than 5 hours of sleep thingy.

The Ah Lian has not been doing wrist work for the past 3 days already. I don't know what to say, somehow I just felt disappointed, was it so difficult to do something so easy everyday? Oh well, sometimes I just need to care less. Apparently it seems my everyday persuasion and irritation do not work on her, yeah maybe I sounded I was joking, because of my tone, oh.. maybe that was the reason why she didn't take it seriously.

Haiz. I still wonder if you still need to be reminded everyday or not.

Well I don't know. In the past I cared too much and I was deemed so goddamn irritating. When I could have cared less I felt so discomposed. Maybe it is the situation of things; maybe I've mixed them all up. And sometimes I didnt know what to do.

Oh man.

Rambled by kaSh at 1:58 am

Wednesday, April 13, 2005

Good morning! It's 5 am in the morning. Yeah I wasn't sleeping for the night. Champion's League just ended with Chelsea qualifying the next round (Semis is it?). Yeah while watching the match I was playing World of Warcraft too. I am so addicted to that game.

Well at least time passes quite fast ever since I've started playing. It was more than fun man, though I play my own, but oh well, I just wanna kill time. I don't have anything to do besides that. Everyone's in the army, or working, or studying.

9 more days till my enlistment. Ask me if I am looking forward to it or not.

Anyways one of my uncles brought us out for dinner at Simpang Bedok. A whopping amount of 300 bucks spent on seafood! He said it was to gather and "celebrate" my entry to the Army. I mean my family's nice, they can find all sorts of things to gather like for instance we gathered once when I got back my A level results. I think we will get together again when I book out from the army for the first time... haha.

And yeah I would like to have lunch with most of the people out there, my classmates, friends, oh well... before I go into the army, hopefully you guys (it will be girls mostly) can make it! Just some simple lunch or what lah, celebrating myself turning from a boy to a man!

I guess I will not endulge into those worthless rubbish which are once again, floating through my mind. Oh wait, it wasn't that bad afterall, the problem now is... there isn't any problems... I feel so relaxed and shiok... hahahaha

I will especially miss you when I am in there.

Rambled by kaSh at 4:52 am

Tuesday, April 12, 2005

www.worldofwarcraft.com. Be sure to check out that game if you have the time.

Yeah by the way I have nothing to say. I mean, nothing to whine and rant about nor things to comment and my life all day is staying at home playing World of Warcraft, eat, sleep and getting my ass outta the house, playing badminton and watching VCD.

10 more days to my camp at Pulau Tekong.

And I will miss you all, especially you.

Yeah you.

z

Rambled by kaSh at 2:06 am

Sunday, April 10, 2005

DO YOUR WRISTWORK! HOW MANY TIMES MUST I REMIND YOU ALL???!?!?!?!??

Rambled by kaSh at 1:43 pm

Saturday, April 09, 2005

I don't wanna be someone who is so goddamn chauvinistic anymore.

Everyone makes mistakes. I am sure that the one you had made isn't intentional in any other way. It wasn't bad enough compared to the past. In fact it was just a minute problem which everyone can just forgive and forget easily, and get on with life.

Sorry if I took it that seriously, maybe that's just me. Something which I really value alot, and somehow or rather I thought I will not allow any spaces and loopholes, it was really a tight value.

For the past four months you have been really cheerful, the one who portrays the joyful and peppy look, someone who was there for me, despite only knowing you for no longer than 2 weeks at that time, scolded me and woke me up to life.

That was the reason why I bought chocolates to cheer you up; I thought you were disappointed for me not turning up for your drama performance, so I tried to make amends to it. I knew you were really down when you received your results, so I tried to put back that smile on your face.

I didn't mean to make you cry.

And I don't hate you. And I don't see you as some bitch who cannot keep secrets or whatsoever. Nothing of that sort, ever. And I won't want you to say that you are someone like this, because you simply aren't. It was just because I was furious at that time, but I never never ever thought of you as someone like this.

I didn't mean to upset you like this.

You know I am sensitive towards such things, and you know I can't do anything well when I feel really down, not because I had something wrong in me, but because of otherwise.

I promise I won't wanna make you cry anymore, nor I will do anything just to hurt you, and I won't wanna remove that smile of yours hanging and dangling on your face.

All I want is just someone who doesn't hurt me. Someone who won't do such things to me again.

I am really sorry to have hurt and upset you, but please, don't do that again, ok?

Rambled by kaSh at 8:05 pm

Friday, April 08, 2005

First off, I apologize for the shiet that I've created. It's my fault, yeah.

Yeah it's not the right thing to do, I know. Ok so it goes like this: We were having fun talking crap one fine day in the hall and we thought of things to bet and gamble on. I'd forgotten what was the exact procedure but somehow or rather, out of fun and, yeah I wanna disturb, yeah we settled on that bet.

Oh by the way I am explaining what I have done, I am not saying that I am right in any other way, yes I am wrong and I admitted it, so I seek forgiveness from you, hope you don't mind me and my shiet.

Yeah then naturally he lost. Ok then. Oh man. Ok I am still in the wrong. So I apologize one more time: I am sorry. I won't do that again ok. I am sorry Beverly.

Ok secondly, in actual fact little people knew about these betting thing. Ok it's a small thing, I don't wanna stir up any emotions and it was just amoung the few of us, we had nothing better to do while waiting for our enlisting, besides playing badminton and sleeping whole day we decided to do something, somehow "exciting" (yes I know it wasn't anything exciting). The fact that now in the first place, you ladies got to know of this small little teeny weeny fun of ours means someone has leaked out something.

Let me get straight to the point, it isn't a matter of what the hell is that matter is, whether if I am betting on you, or whether if I am gonna rob the goddamn bank, or whether if I shietted on my pants when I was on the train or whatsoever, it doesn't matter to me, but the thing is when I say, please don't tell anyone about this, there are 2 things I meant: Firstly, I TRUST you. I give you my fucking trust on some shiet. You promised me not to say and yes I believe in you. Secondly, I have my own reasons not to let it out, as I mentioned earlier on. Whether if I am afraid that the ladies will find out or not is one thing, BREAKING MY FUCKING TRUST IS ANOTHER.

I know, it's good to let you know Bev, that's what you said. Ok then. Supposedly if I WERE to hide from you, (of course I meant from hiding it from you since it was something "secretive" between the few of us, you girls have that ladies' stuff behind, why can't we have that masculine effect?) nothing's leaked out, that will all be fine. I won't go around spreading to people that my friend is a loser and blah blah blah because simply I don't want people to know about it.

Back to the shiet. As I said, it doesn't matter what it was. I am goddamn dead serious about these "trusting" thing and I won't wanna tolerate any shiet. If you cannot keep a secret, please tell me that you can't, so I won't trust you in that, but that doesn't mean I won't trust you in other areas, but, but by simply breaking the trust of mine, you are just flaring me up.

Sometimes I feel really hurt over such things. Why, time and again, people must do that to me? It's a small thing, but it reflects on your personality. You said you won't say it out in the first place and the next you told me you'd forgotten. It wasn't any similar to what I suffered previously. But it all breaks down to the same old consequence. I don't wanna flare up so easily anymore, I don't wanna have a bad temper, I am trying, but you know what, such events really triggered the moments back which my heart really shattered into millions of pieces, that feeling was unbearable, it was excruciating and the worst thing is it was from someone I loved.

Maybe I tend to overreact at times, but I have my own reasons. I don't overreact to attract silly and unwanted attentions, it's just because somehow it reminded me of those grosteque moments I had. I really don't want that to happen again, do you understand?

Haiz... :'(

Rambled by kaSh at 11:10 pm

Thursday, April 07, 2005

Time flies too fast to be described. Just a blink of an eye and here we are on the month of April. The remaining batch of my friends are finally going to the army, tomorrow. Soon it will be my turn, on the 22nd of April. This means two things: I am all alone now, with no one to have lunches and suppers for 2 weeks and I need to find something new to do.

2 more weeks until my enlistment date. Thereafter there will be a major change in my lifestyle: I cannot sleep at 4am in the morning and wake up at 3pm the next, I cannot come online everyday and everynight like I usually do, I cannot roam around freely and instead I am confined by strict orders and regulations which disallow me to do things which I usually do. I will be a soldier not a civilian anymore.

I have a few problems right now which I somehow or rather not knowing how to explain them. I feel that I should settle them before I go into the army, but the question now is how am I suppose to do so?

Life will be different in there. I won't be with my family members anymore, no one to talk rubbish with at home and outside, no Ah Lian to suan, and so on... something, not sad, or rather, something new which I will be experiencing soon and I am looking forward to it. Life is all about experiencing new things, right?

Oh I get something right. It is not a right thing to do, when you already did something which you KNOW it is wrong, then apologise after that, regretting what you have done. This is where the brain comes into play. No wonder people always say I don't use my brain to think. Oh man...

The thing which is currently in my mind is that, I wish to express something in my heart but I couldn't do so, because of some unexplained reasons and sorts which complicate the matter. Will it be now or never, or will it spark off another new chapter or my life, or will it just be a complete whole load of bullshit?

I had a short conversation with this teacher, a female teacher who told me I shouldn't get a girlfriend now, because I am enlisting, and I will not have that much time with her and there is a chance which she will run away with others. I mean, yeah as much as I wanted one, I still have not recovered from my previous shit. Sometimes I just need someone to be there to listen to my crap and cheer me up whenever I am down.

And shit happens when you are in the army. In the first place having a girlfriend is one, maintaining the relationship is another. Well I ain't sure if I can maintain such serious relationships because I have not done that for a long time already. Oh my god.

Back to the question of how am I suppose to goddamn say something out from my heart? Sometimes hints aren't gonna do the job because some people are too blur to get them, just like me. And sometimes people just like to act blur as if nothing happens, just like me too.

As I said, I don't mean to slip and fall again. I don't wanna fall deeper in because I know that I won't climb up that easily. At the same time I wish that you are there at the end for me, in the end I will realise that falling deep and hurting that much, I enjoy my fruits of labour.

I just don't know where to start. This is just getting outta hand. Sometimes I wish to stop, but it's there already. Things which are there, it aren't easy to stop anyhow. It aren't easy to remove them.

Just let nature takes it's course and let Mother Nature guide me along.

Rambled by kaSh at 1:21 am

Tuesday, April 05, 2005

I made a trip to the library this morning, and guess what? I owe them 6 plus bucks for some overdue books. That amount of money was there since the year before. It means I have not been borrowing and storming into libraries for the past 2 years. And when I wanted to borrow them, they disallow me. What a screwed up system.

Anyways I am back to my whole of Quantum Mechanics, Quantum Electrodynamics, Black Holes, Relativity, Particle Physics, String Theory, Theory of Ubiquility and so on... You know those physics stuff, kinda cannot be explained by Classical Physics whereby F = ma and all that p = mv thingy.

I think I was damn free today lah. Went to Mac to eat. Then went down to Town. Then went to Far East to find my friend, the go back Lido to find my mother then went down to Compassville for some Math tutoring (frees ones =() and finally headed home!

Anyways I had fun today. I mean it has been a long time since I have done that walking around town, wandering and talking crap, playing Summer Games in the MRT (I ended up losing to a first timer) and disturbing the crap outta you. Hahahahahahahaha. I mean it's rare lah the feeling.

What Ronald Macdonald's favourite number is 8 coz ba ba ba ba ba HAHAHAH WTF and you call a handicap prawn "LAME SIA"... zzzzzz

Hahahaha, Ah Lian you really made my day lah LOL!

Rambled by kaSh at 8:33 pm

Monday, April 04, 2005

I woke up at 10 plus. It was all dark. I thought I'd sleep until 6 or 7 in the evening, then I realised it was raining and the sky was really dark. I told myself why did I wake up so early? Then I went back to sleep again. The weather was too good for another 3 hours of nap.

I went to Beach Road to get some of my army stuff. Polo T-shirts, singlets, I need extra of those because I perspire like crazy, cloth, some black tapes and so on. That lady just took everything out and dumped into the basket so I just nodded my head cordially, chucking those which I already had out of the basket.

Then we headed down to the Concourse to play pool. It was Ben, Lewis and me. Played for like an hour then they went back to Tampines and I went down to Orchard to meet my mother, passed her the stuff so that she could bring them back for me, talked to some of her friends which I know them since young and then headed down to Bugis to meet our teacher for dinner.

She didn't teach me during my secondary school days, but somehow or rather she knew me, and asked me about my results and knew that I am going to NS and asked about my application for NUS and stuff and decided to treat me as a reward. I intended to pay my dinner by myself so that I could eat as much as possible but since she insisted, well why not?

Ya then it was really hilarious at Billy Bombers. There was this sweet looking girl who was constantly serving us. I think she was really blurred and somehow irritated in a cute manner when I wanted her to repeat what she was chanting about the well done steak over and over again, simply because I didn't get what she asked for..

Then there was this plump lady who responded to us when I mentioned "bring the menu" to my friends because I was somehow not satisfied with the servings of the main course. Then I think she heard what I said and approached us with this really damn funny look on her face; big eyes gourging out like a goldfish, mouth closed, by the way her face is a little round and she tilted her head, glared at us like what was going on those kind of expression, and we looked at each other and finally told her "eh nothing."

Then when she walked off we were laughing like mad, and repeatingly saying "menu, menu, menu" and hahahaha it was damn fun lah.

Then we headed home after an ice cream or two.

Thank you Miss Koh for your treat.

Rambled by kaSh at 10:36 pm

Sunday, April 03, 2005

Help my eyes!! Argh! Yeah I went to pray early in the morning at some temple at Bedok. It is Qing Ming... yeah. The smoke from the joysticks is killing my eyes! i teared almost for the entire time.. It was too hazy, or foggy and the smoke is really an irritant to my eyes! I need to rush to the toilet every now and then argh!

Yesterday:
Badminton again. At MPCC. Then went for a game of pool. By the way it was really cooling yesterday. It apparently drizzled for the whole afternoon and evening. It was very shiok lah. The library felt really cold, Classic felt damn cold. That's the weather most of us hope for.

Ok it's really early in the morning now... 11:15am, Sunday morning. A feat which I seldom achieve: getting up so damn early.

I have 19 more days to my enlistment! It means I am going to be a soldier. And guess what? I will be having constant reminders of how many days I will be left until my enlistment. Apparently they are jealous of me going into the Army. Hahahahahaha.

You all better do your wrist work everyday! Don't slack! Especially the Ah Lian in the house. You always need someone to remind you, next time I go into the Army already, how?

- Wristwork
- Basic position (Position 1, 2, 3)
- Footwork! (Front-back, side front, side, side back, 4 corners, 6 corners)
- Drills! (Lob, drop-lift, smashing, defending, pushing, netting, SERVICE!)
- Tactics (Singles: Run around like mad! Haha kidding. Doubles: attacking and defending position)
- Physical (Run and sprint like there is no tomorrow.)

Note those points down my ladies!

Rambled by kaSh at 11:16 am

Friday, April 01, 2005

First it was basketball in the morning then badminton in the afternoon then dinner at block 85. Well basketball was fun and because of that I have 2 skin colours now; my arms are red. Badminton, oh well they finally started to train. Finally! I mean yeah although it was quite screwed up in the first place, I think that's my ultimate purpose to be there on Wednesdays and Fridays, and not to play for the whole damn day, occupying the courts and getting handphone numbers.

Hmm, well there is something me again which cannot be explained. Oh man. You know sometimes you just have the feeling to do something crazy which you have never done in your entire life, and whatever...

I saw this really nice racket, with seasoned tension and a heavy head, smashes well, chops perfectly, but the sad thing was it wasn't mine at all.

I met the girl of my dreams a few months back, but the sad thing was it wasn't mine at all.

Sometimes the best things aren't yours. But come to thinnk of it I have best things which people want. Tell me something, should I go for the things which I want? Or should I let it stay where it is, for it may be better off that way.

Sometimes things are really complicated to explain, sometimes things which I wanna do but I am afraid of, some things which no matter how much courage you have, you will never have that much to do something you wanted to.

I don't know, I am going to the army soon, and yet these things cannot be delayed. Such things cannot be kept mum. I just don't wanna hide it from you anymore, but it's just that the environment, the atmosphere, the surroundings, the things around you and me forbid me to tell you what the hell am I thinking.

Goddamnit, someone PLEASE shoot me.

I don't mean to slip and fall again.

Rambled by kaSh at 11:48 pm