This is my story...

Saturday, July 30, 2005

I feel so lonely, someone please kill me.

Perhaps this world is not enough for me, perhaps this world is too wide for me.

Perhaps the things around me do not satisfy my desires.

Or perhaps I am never happy with the things I have, and eternally hoping for the impossible to come true.

Or perhaps things may come true one day, for as long as I am willing to work hard for it.

The only slight defect is, where to start?

Ever since I told myself to get my feet up since the start of the year, I have been thinking of ways and means to achieve something which satisfies my inner desires and my strange and unfathomed thoughts.

Until now I don't find the utmost solution to it. Could it be the high demands I want? Or could it be I never really thought about it at all?

The world has too many redundant factors to be considered and put to use.

And I brooding over such useless matters which only cause more white estringing hair to pop out my my scalp.

Sometimes I wonder how will it feel to have someone to be by your side again, sharing your woes, your cryings, your happiness, your everything with you all the time. Time and again when you feel delighted, you have the desire to share it with your companion.

Be it nothing or everything, she will always be there for you. Be it the rants or the sweet talks, she will always be the one compromising.

Be it the times spent are longer or shorter than usual, she appreciates every single tick of the clock with you.

Be it the pains she goes through for you, and in times it is even left unknown to you and until you only find out, the love deepens further down.

I need someone to stand by my side again.

Rambled by kaSh at 8:24 pm

Saturday, July 23, 2005

More often than not people appreciate things only when they are gone, only realising it is so precious to them and regretted not cherishing them when they were around. It can be almost anything; loved ones, simple objects with a certain sentimental value or even routine works of your life.

We tend to take things for granted when they are around us. That is human nature, people living in this busy society often overlook what is so dear and important to them only when these things or people vanish from them suddenly.

For most of my friends who know me, I play badminton. Although I am not some professional or whatever, I treat it as a sport which I can find relaxation and fun in it. I love that sport.

Then suddenly my racket broke today while playing. Ok it is only a racket, no big deal, anyways it's only 65 bucks, cheap stuff, it can be replaced in no time.

The thing is I have a sentimental value of it. The sport I love cannot be played without that racket. Often than not I did not appreciate what the racket could have done for me, accompanying me to games and all that. Now it's gone, I have started to feel that it was such a powerful tool for me and it is gone forever.

I do not know how to start appreciating people around me. Maybe that is my weakness. When they were around me I did not show the utmost support and concern, but only to realise that I have regretteed not doing things which I suppose to do when they are gone.

This racket is not the only lesson I have be taught. Previous years events which occured upon me brought up the time and again regretfulness which was felt in me. I let those who are precious to me slip away from my very hands, and until that I felt so hurt which nothing could have bring them back to me.

Not matter how much regret I have suffered for the past years, life still goes on. I am for one who feel really emotional when it comes to things like this, which concerns feelings and all sorts of that rubbish you can mention.

If I have that one chance I would choose to get back the things which I have lost and cherish them and appreciating them.

Maybe the world will be a better place if everyone appreciates one another, and we will die with less regrets and remorse.

Rambled by kaSh at 7:26 pm

Tuesday, July 19, 2005

Let's talk about something which everyone loves, and sadly most of us do not have it: welcome to the world dominated by the Almighty Dollar.

Fast fact: If one day the world's wealth is acculmulated and redistributed to every single person on Earth, each and everyone of us will receive approximately 1 million dollars, ie everyone will be a millionaire here!

I just got a rant few days ago by someone telling me off that I am a spendthrift. Yeah I do agree with the 350 pathetic bucks I receive every month is totally miserable and I NEED to learn how to save now (learn? Since when I don't know about that term??!) or never.

I ain't rich, but I ain't poor either. At least I have some bucks to spend throughout the week, the month or even the year, based on my own savings, but I know it cannot last for long...

Sometimes most of us worry about our finances; the problems which are created by the simple Dollar and by the system which runs it; there is bound to be someone to balance out the see-saw. The Normal Distribution curve predicts and separates the aflluent from the rest. The economy will remain in that state for at least the next few hundred years unless a Money Revolution is performed. So if you want to be at the either ends of the curve, you either have to work really hard, think faster and better than the rest or, spend your money like crazy.

Money isn't everything. People can be happy without them, but it depends on the defination of happiness. Health is wealth, some say, and it can never be so true.

Perhaps I ain't stingy or something close to that; I know when to save and how to save. I love to spend money on food, luxurious ones and as a result a month's pay can vanish within a week.

Oh, did I just mention that everyone will have a million dollars? Continuation: 5 years later the cash will flow back to it's original state.

Rambled by kaSh at 9:04 pm

Monday, July 18, 2005

Time and again the defination of life and death wanders in everyone's mind, heart and soul. The emotional changes and variations come and go; setting back forth the true and unintentional feel of one's mind, sometimes what has to been mentioned are not said...

"... forgive and forget..."

It isn't that easy to forgo heart shattering activities and actions, times and places it took to occur and happen....

It wasn't difficult to say out what you did not want to do, what your mind was not wandering and thinking, it would just bring you into a world of doubtfulness, a world full of crooks and lies, a world full of unhapiness and sorrows...

"... forgive and forget..."

Did you not think that it was so undeniably painful and hurt the heart felt when the damage was being done. The degree was beyond description; the scald was scorching hot, exorbidantly hurtful. How could I have ever forgetten about the things you had done to me, and yet you walked away without saying a word, treating anad acting like you did not care? How torment that torture was, how excruciating that pain was?

"... forgive and forget..."

Some phrases are meant not to be forgetten, however difficult to achieve...

"... forgive and forget.."

How in the world you expect me to do that? Sometimes the sight of you just loathed me, and yet in the past it was the opposite. It was the other extreme end of it.

Ultimately it was just how the way the world works...

Ultimately life is all about ups and downs; downfalls which craft you to appreciate your peak, not to take it for granted, for it will not last for eternity.

"be with you till eternity" is just a crap phrase which everyone loves to use it.

And I'll like to be with you till eternity.

Rambled by kaSh at 9:09 pm

Sunday, July 17, 2005

It has been a week since the last entry of mine, don't worry, I am still alive and kicking, I am not dead yet, so it's sad for those who want me dead, I can't fulfill your wishes. Ok the reason was I have nothing to blog on, nothing interesting has happened to me, yeah and you don't wanna know about my army life because every single man who got enlisted into the army WILL share their cock and bull stories with others. Trust me. It HAPPENS.

And yeah that's the reason why I write this entry a week later, because I still have nothing to write.

Ok anyways University's starting, around these few weeks or so, too bad I am in the army.

Oh wait, in fact I have alot of things to write, but it just simply can't come out as words on the screen, how? Kill myself?

I must say I really missed my schooling days. Yes, although half the time I was chased by teachers, late for lectures and all that crap, it was still enjoyable. To those who are still studying, or simply just going to school, cherish your days there, be it not doing any work, procrastinating, getting a serious lecture from your tuitions or getting laid by your boyfriends or girlfriends, please enjoy them, because eventually you will think back and these are the memories which will be preserved in your heart and soul until the day you leave this sad and pathetic world.

In this world you will never have anything perfect. Perfectness is beyond our reach, so forget about that million dollar that you are gonna strike from lotteries (unless you are damn lucky), and it doesn't mean if you have the money you are happy, it doesn't mean that you are happy, you have the money and it doesn't mean that you are poor you are fucking sad.

Of course, if I have the money, I will be happier.

Time and again human beings search for eternal happiness through wealth, neglecting what are the other important factors surrounding them such as health, love, blah blah blah. Too bad. They are gonna die soon.

I find love one of the strangest emotions on Earth. The reason being you have different types of love: the love for your pet, for your parents, grandparents, your friends, your belongings (for instance, my mp3 player and my computer), your wife, your mistress, you car and all that. Yeah.

And we have the simple emotion called hate. You do not have variable versions of hate; I don't hate you more than I hate my room, you both equally suck and all that. Get the idea? When you hate you associate that particular object with another "negative" object, such as "she sucks, she is just like a bitch." Yeah something like that.

And something just struck into my mind again, to those who are still studying please do study hard, do not be like me, screwing up my O levels while my prelims for it was not too bad, getting a goddamn 15 points won't really get you anywhere in a few years time, and getting AAB for A levels isn't a big deal because there are more Aces there which you need to compete with them.

Screw my O levels especially, what the hell have I done during my Secondary 4 days?

I screwed around, not studying, got a girlfriend and spend 3/4 of my days with her, and all that.

OH WAIT! I AM NOT SAYING SHE SCREWED UP MY O LEVELS!!!!!!!! NOT OF THAT SORT PLEASE.

She was great. Oh well, who cares about my O levels now, no, it's not her fault. It was because I was too playful, playing warcraft III during night studying times, and IN THE MIDST OF O LEVELS! I am crazy. Yeah. Please shoot me. Where is Fel again? (Lol when I wrote this it reminded me of you)

And all in all, life is all about ups and downs, you maybe poor, but you have extraordinary brains which helps you along your entire life, similarly you maybe rich, but without your friends with you are as good as nothing.

Oh yeah, I wnt NDP tickets! Anyone who has lobang please tell me ok? I hope NSFs have some advantage over getting those tickets, parades are cool man, and tiring! And the fireworks, explosions of the stars in the sky with different colours brightening up the entire night, blasts with are so deafening that you don't give a shiet because the flares are too mesmerising to neglect for.

I sound like a goddamn ku niang now.

"My dreams were empty, since the day you slipped away..."

Rambled by kaSh at 1:35 pm

Friday, July 08, 2005

Great news of the day: I accidentally spoilt a rifle while repairing. SAR21. Great. You know what's the penalty for damaging a weapon? 7 years in Detention Barracks. Ok lah not so jia lat. Maybe a week or so. Oh, DB is just like a prison for military personnel. Sad. Hope I will not get into that damn place.

Ok let's sort this thing out. If I sound rude or crude or somehow I apologize ok. I don't mean that. Ok whatever. 90% of the population will THINK that I mean it and because of that they will ASSUME I am rude and all that and they will JUDGE me without knowing how I feel. That's human nature. I don't blame it. I act indifferently towards it.

I am a problematic child. Yes. I give LOTS of problems, for instance damaging the goddamn rifle, complaining about almost EVERYTHING under the sun such as why the hell must I get posted to such a far place at Bouna Vista when I live in Tampines, not thanking god that I get to come home to sleep everynight, getting up so damn early in the morning, feeling so jealous of others who can sleep a lot later but reach the camp on the same time.

That's not all yes. I have LOTS of problems too. I have severe attitude problem. A big one. Yes. I talk like a goddamn holigan (which more or less can be understood through the entries I've posted), I walk like I own the whole world and I stare people like they owe me lotsa money, say, 100k each.

And one of the most severe and uncurable problems I have ever had is my love life. Yeah. Love life. All I have are flings and all that which I considered wasting of my precious time and money on all these stuff. Perhaps people with lotsa flings won't get to find their true love, or is it only me? I strongly think so.

But I am different (or am I the same as everyone else). I treat almost everyone the same. Ok yeah maybe sometimes if you are such an asshole which I don't really like you during school days, just that I've seen you bloody face and I know that you are the one pain in the ass fella there, and suddenly, somehow or rather I have to face you to accomplish some tasks, although indirectly, ok those are the scenarios which I'll definately withdraw you out of my "carelist". Too bad. I just do not like your face unless you can prove me otherwise.

Or maybe sometimes you are the one my heart tells me that, yeah you are the one. (ok there are many the ones out there, and this applies to ladies only please, I am not gh3y). I don't know. But usually what I say to these people (Ok, person, not people, I do not have THAT much ones around me. You get what I mean.) is true. Maybe towards a certain extent or whatever.

And when things don't work out well (Ok sometimes life really sucks when things won't work out well twice or thrice in a row, that's what I am experiencing now, and yeah you all can fucking laugh for all I care. I suck at all these), something will occur. Yeah. Just like those idiotic assholes who never thought og London could win the 2012 Olympic Games host and they started to do funny things which caused alot of people injured. Fuck them seriously. Things obviously did not work well with them.

Yeah back to the topic, when things don't work out well such things will occur again. Things like whatever we had previously will be really difficult to retrieve back, because basically everyone in this world will THINK that you will repetitatively do the SAME OLD THINGS to get things well again. Ok I admit, who doesn't want things to work out well for himself? But wait, we are humans, at least I am one, or I CAN be considered one although I am evil, nevertheless not to such an extent which I can be considered as a beast, I understand that things I do, many will mistaken as the "SAME OLD THINGS" will resurface or at least people will think that I THINK that will happen. Sounds complicated? Ok well wait, as far as I want it, I know there's a limit to everything. I know how to think, please. Please. Please.

Yeah like what I've said, perhaps things weren't ready, and I NEVER liked to discuss about all these things, ok, I've gotten sensitive for the past year and I feel a little awkward while discussing all these things, which I of course if possible, will try to wait for the right time to come and shoot it out. Yeah. But somehow or rather I don't understand why these have to happen right here, right now, at this point of our lives, at this point which I AM SERIOUSLY NOT looking forward to life, due to firstly, the conscripted army of our beloved country, secondly I NEVER had enough money, thirdly I feel that I am such an anti-social son of a biatch in camp and lastly why can't I have what I wanted back again.

Which brings me to this point of what I am really trying to say.

Firstly I am not ready for anything, everything. I am not ready to graduate out from that stupid course of mine, ain't ready to go into Uni (duh) and most importantly not ready for such things to happen between you and me. So why did we talk about this then? The reason's simple, it hurts to hide in there. It's better to let it all out before I get crazier and start to take my rifles out to spray at people.

Secondly, too bad everything's out. I've expected things will be like that, with you complaining to me being so tired about everything, and me, of course I never said all these to you because seriously would you give a shiet?

Thirdly, yeah, I also want to share my ups and downs with you. Of course I want. For the past months I've been doing that. As I've said, too bad, shiet has been out, so I am still wondering if I can do that.

Oh wait, I didn't say that it's ok if those things are not done. Please understand. It's never ok, never. Have I not told you how much you meant to me?

Forthly, people reading this will be laughing and find it so damn stupid that why the hell am I talking about all these things, oh perhaps my flings will come and say "Here he goes again with his lame crap getting everyone hooked and all that". Oh seriously I don't give a fuck please.

The reason is simple. My heart (yeah that piece of muscle right at the centre of your lungs, ok, slightly left, covered by your ribcages) tells me (no it doesn't talk to me, it pumps blood into my brains and the blood contents said all that) that you are simple the ONE. Yeah. The one referring to someone who I can confide, blah blah blah, I am sure you know what I am referring to and saying, love, like, care, hate.... no not hate of course!

Too bad they say it takes two hands to clap. Oh in this case I am being slapped.

I don't mean to be nasty or anything. I wrote all these because sometimes I felt really frustrating bottling up all these things inside me, and I feel really F up when I just cannot figure out what I wanna say or do, you know, I have this feeling in me that it really sucks sometimes to have words not mentioned out and have teared not flowed out.

All I want in the ultimate end is of course a happy ending for both of us. Of course not those fairy tales whereby the princes and princesses will live happily ever after in a stupid palace full of maids and servants wiping their asses every single day, but in reality the context is different; you may end up together, or separate ways (happily lah duh), but it's still a happy ending, right?

The way you put your words into action is a little overboard. You made me think that I do not have the brains to differentiate what is a friend from more than a friend or an apple from a pear. I do alot of thinking, more than anyone else could have imagine. I do alot of reflections and all that you all may considered nonsensical and redundant. Yeah I love to do rubbish things ok?

Oh and if you guys find some emails or bulletins or blogs or whatever and you come across this phrase "to love someone is to let him/her/it/them go", it's true, although sometimes the wordings maybe be irritating with crap colours or aLtErNaTe cAps. Please bear with the curious ones ok?

Yeah it's true, and of course something truthful is something which is done or have to be done. Believe it or not it's up to the others.

Eventually I still hope to get what I want, by the selfless, smooth and natural way. What the hell.

Sorry for such a long entry. Thank you very much for reading till here. It shows that I ain't writing rubbish. They are from my heart.

Rambled by kaSh at 8:04 pm

Monday, July 04, 2005

Deep down my heart,

The feelings came submerged, right from the start.

Years and eons have passed,

Those remained unchanged, only to grow a little stronger day by day,

Eventually I still choose to sink them down deep inside,

To close all other entries and windows for new ones,

Because those feelings are true,

True to the one who I bear,

To the one who I love,

To the one who I could ever asked for.

Rambled by kaSh at 10:16 pm

Sunday, July 03, 2005

You will release that weekends are very precious to you when you go out to the society to work. We spend our weekdays working, studying and doing things which improve our standards of living so unwillingly that we forgo what is the purpose of all these... We want happiness in it..

One life to live, and that's it. Should we look for happiness in things which we possess, or stuff which can never or nearly impossible to achieve?

Either way, both are something worthwhile to look at.

Just like you, you are the best that I could have ever asked for. If you are the one who I can find eternal happiness, I don't mind sacrificing my time and effort to live happily ever after. For you I'll do anything, but sometimes I am afraid I might do the wrong things.

I may not have the time for you. But deep down inside my heart you are always with me, time and again I cannot concentrate well on what I am suppose to do but just to have you hovering around in my mind. If I have the ultimate choice I'll rather forgo everything I have now just to be with you, just to be there to pamper you, to be there for my princess, to be there to hold you in my arms...

It may not be the case of easy flow throughout the journey, but ever since I've met you my life was resurrected. You gave me the feeling which was never to be felt for the second time again. But I want to feel that way again, the way of rejuvenated happiness, the carefree soul in me, through your beautiful smile, your innocent gestures and the constant "reprimandings" I've got.

You're just the perfect one I've found when I first met you. I never looked around again. If I have the chance now and I won't want to take the risk, when will I get another chance from you again?

You're just my everything. Without you, there isn't any happiness found in me anymore.

Rambled by kaSh at 10:55 pm

Saturday, July 02, 2005

Apparently representing the school (OETI) for competitions is not a good thing afterall.. I was assigned for remedial training (RT) for that, it was somehow unreasonable, for instead I should get some half or full day off, since we are the champion school of the inter-logistics unit.

I was the standby for the guard duty for yesterday. Holy crap I was almost activated my Friday night and Saturday morning were almost gone. I was so lucky.

You know what, yeah I feel really bored in class, for firstly my buddies are out, secondly, yeah I didn't really mix well with the class (I hope I will in the future) and thirdly, strange things are going through my mind.

Strange things like why the hell am I doing in the army. Strange things like when is the country going to war. Strange things like why in the world this country of mine tortures me, getting my ass up at 530 in the morning, making me travel to Bourna Vista, and back again in the evening. Strange things like when will the weekends be here so that I can have a glance of you again.

You know something, you are extremely important to me, just by your words, they decide if my day is right or wrong.

Yeah. You are just the one.

Come with me to our paradise.

Rambled by kaSh at 2:29 am