This is my story...

Wednesday, August 31, 2005

Let's talk about the future.

I would like to have a car, maybe 1 or 2 years down the road, been in some secret project of earning big bucks, may or may not work out.

Who cares about the Army? Alright hope the next 1 1/2 years of mine will not be as dreadful.

I would have my house renovated down the road, or maybe buying a newer and bigger one, I won't wanna change my bed, because it is the best.

Computers... yeah my CPU needs upgrading, anytime soon. Maybe I'll wait till I ORD, then get the latest parts at that point of time (computers are constantly upgrading you know).

Handphones. No cameras phones in camps please! Argh stupid SAF rules. Nevermind. I will get one good one after I ORD.

Everyone says that I am getting fatter. This is because the army is feeding me well. So the army is not a bad place afterall ok? I need to lose some of the fats to Mother Nature.

Maybe a girlfriend? Meanwhile, maybe flings in clubs? Hahaha I am an asshole everyone knows that thanks. I never have a good, nice, sweet, fun girlfriend by my side for almost three years already. So sad. I need to get one again. Maybe in the near future. Yeah easier say than done.

That cost a bomb man! Nonetheless money earned is to spent. I don't mind spending on delicacies. Once in a while is ok.

Come to think of it, I will be celebrating my 21st birthday in the Army. How sad is it. You know how important is the 21st birthday of everyone? Not only it comes once in a lifetime, it officially marks the end of your youth, you are getting old dude!

But then again, I may die tomorrow. Sad.

Rambled by kaSh at 11:28 pm

Tuesday, August 30, 2005

I am down with flu. This flu is serious. My throat, tonsils and ear are swollen. Yes, Ear. The middle year is swollen. The doc says if it is not treated fast the ear drum will burst and I will go deaf. Ever had such flu before?

Seriously my life is going into a downfall. I am struck with a common disease with an uncommon effect. Who in this world will expect you to go half deaf when you contract with a simple, mild flu?

My ear hurts every now and then.

I do not know what to do. Sometimes I just feel like giving up like I felt many, many times. Jumping down is obviously not a solution to all problems, at least it will stop my mind from controlling my body.

Having a blocked ear does not seem really fine afterall. I have a two-day MC which I stayed at home to recuperate, which initially I thought it will be fine. Well the pain started to get worse, and my hearing started to deterioriate. I know there is nothing much I can do expect to consume my medicine regularly as stated.

Surprisingly I am not worried about what is going to happen to me in the near future of my ear. Maybe I have already given up hope on my life.

Easier say than done. If you tell me that something will eventually go off, just like this sickness of mine will go off and I will recover, then one thing you do not feel is to be me. I had my middle ears drilled when I was in Primary 6 due to excessive mucous stucked in the tube connecting your middle ear to your throat. As a result I could not swim, or to allow water to enter my ears. Till this day my right ear still has the hole in it, and it contains no pressure inside my ear.

I hear less with my right ear, something which everyone of you do not know about me, because whatever I say is deemed as bullshiet. Yeah. Even this entry.

Just shoot me. I'd rather die than to lose on of my five senses.

Rambled by kaSh at 10:04 pm

Saturday, August 27, 2005

The lights got deemer as I walked along the usual path home, that lonely path which I recalled it was not deserted as it is, it was livelier, it was full of happiness and zest, full of enthusiam and felicity. The path home was just like a path of one's life, ultimately we concluded our day with a pat on our back, reflecting issues which are solved and unsolved at the end of the forlorn day.

We human beings are eternal pessimists. At least I know I am, and there is no way you are able to alter the fixed sub-consciousness in all of us. More often than not we try to convince ourselves to look at the brighter side, it is because we have already looked at the dark side. Let us be optimisstic about an action, whereby most of us have already thought about the known consequences.

See, the objective is we should look more on the dark side, then we wlll learn what happens to all of us and we remedy it, not looking at the bright side, acheiving something which is deemed almost impossible.

My heart teared again this time. I confined myself in solitude, in a place which nothing could reach to my very own brittle heart, I shut down every single communication that was made to me, I brought myself to the end of everything, this eternal torment, this pessimisstic points of view of life...

Now it is more than one, two or three factors affecting me, my harmless self. The environment. The people around me. The way the society treated me. The way I treated myself. The way this world is moving towards to. Everything.

Deep inside I feel only the worst feeling no man has ever felt. Deep inside I yield things which are impossible for me to hold on to, for me to get hold of, and for me to let go. Deep inside me there is an endless bountry of suffering confinement, whereby my burning soul is trapped until someone releases me from it.

The smiles on my face were never geniune after you said goodbye unexpectedly. The directions of my life were never straight ever since you decided to walk away from me. The dreams were never the same again when I found my life in search a mess, incapable of cleaning them up. The walks of my life remiained the same. I am suffering.

Save me from the burning pot of fire.

Rambled by kaSh at 1:55 am

Wednesday, August 24, 2005

I cannot emphasize any further how OETI rocked so much. I miss the environment. I miss the people there, the ambience, the structure of learning, the just-right pace of hands on, the instructors, the system, everything.... everything there. Although it is far from my house, I would rather choose to be there if I have another choice, in my NS life. Never I have ever felt so much like a part of something, be it a small event or a big family, this was the first time I have ever felt so much bonding between the people around me... everyone is a part of everybody, we do things together, and never before we gave up on any obstacles laid in front of us.

But things will definately change in this new and, well I would say fucked up environment. I felt unseay, a bad omen I feel. Maybe it is because this is the first time I am in a new camp, doing the same, old stuff, and with different instructors, with different rules and regulations to be followed, different styles and patterns to be understood.

I do not know why, why everytime do I have to feel so suffocated, so uncomfortable, so dreadful when I enterea new environment. I feel like something has been taken off from me, I feel so lifeless, so remorseful, so sad, as if I have just entered a dungeon of solitary confinement. I feel so weak to accept something which I am forced to, something which I do not choose to go to, my freedom is robbed away in that sense, I cannot chooose something I wanted.

The feeling of knowing that you are going to leave somewhere to places new, unfamiliar and you have no choice to rejecit it, sucks totally. Perhaps I am not used to the environment. For long I have wanted to confide my problems to someone reliable, for long I wanted to tell someone, sometimes things may just be so screw up that life just sucked at that moment. For long I though I have found someone who could do that to me, but I was not certainly, entire correct...

I have emotions. Sometimes what I feel may not be the way you feel. You do not know how I feel at that point of time simply because you are not in my shoes. I just need you to be there, not physically, just some words of console and comfort, and that will definately brighten up my day..

I am afraid of telling my problems to people already. I do not want to bottle them up either. I feel my heart cries whenever I do that. The feeling is just simply unbearable. I could not describe. Haiz.

Perhaps the first day did not leave me a good impression of this camp, that was why I feel so down. My morale was so low, so low that I felt like dying. I did not know who to consult to, simply because of my mentality. Maybe some of you will deem me as a childish mindset, or whatever. I need time to adapt myself. I always appreciate the past more than the current when I left them.

I always appreciate the people after I realised that they are actually that nice.

I don't wanna take things for granted either.

Everything just pains my heart so deeply. I could not get what I wanted, I could not find someone to console me, I appreciated everything only to know that I'd lose them.

This world is so remorseful when you look at the side which you really want to change.

Haiz...

Rambled by kaSh at 7:47 pm

Saturday, August 20, 2005

First off, I am currently serving my National Service. I am on course and will be passing out really soon. My course, or platoon, or class is named BTT 19 SA. I love the class. To me everyone of them is my brother, someone who I will trust to keep on another alive during war time. The cohesiveness between us is so strong that nothing can break it. I am proud to be in this course, for solely the bonds forged are so dear to me. Never have I seen such an undying and strong burning passion which everyone shares with the same, one mind. This course is fun, especially with my mates around.

The cohesion BBQ had just ended. It was a success. I could not explain how much fun was it to be with the bunch of guys there who once we thought we were strangers, and never could have achieved a cohesiveness so strong like this. Although not everyone turned up, I must say it was really a success.

The course is coming to an end. Frankly speaking when I first entered the place, I was really demoralised; everything was a stranger to me, I know nuts about nothing. I secluded myself during the first week when everyone was already well off and I felt really sad because for once I thought I had no friends.

Now, they are my brothers.

I will miss you guys when the course ends. Every single memorable event will always be in my mind, and it will be passed down to the younger generations of mine, and spreaded to my friends and relatives, carved on my very own will of mind that I will never forget how much joy we had gone through for the past two months.

Rambled by kaSh at 1:06 am

Sunday, August 14, 2005

What is wrong with Singtel? 2 weeks ago I applied for the 25mbps 3 months plan and I was told it would be activated within 2 weeks. Yesterday when the technician came down to set up the modem and stuff, he found out that there was not any broadband connections to my house. And apparently Singtel forgotten to activate my broadband connection despite giving them 2 full weeks of grace. Thank you Singtel, and now they are telling me they need an additonal of 14 WORKING DAYS to activate my broadband connection, that is, I only get to use it 14 working days later. Thank you again.

What a screwed up event.

Oh. Went back to school to watch our beautiful drama night performance. It was great, well drama nights have always been great, marvelous and humourous, it never fails to entertain me after a long, boring and desolate day I have to go through.

I miss the auditorium of my school. The ambience, that feeling of nostalgia suddenly striked me when I entered. The days which lecturers conducted lessons, arrowing students intentionally to solve questions given by them, catching students who are sleeping and all sorts of nonsense, and more importantly we have the freedom of doing what we want ie; walking out of the auditorium when we feel like it, for a drink, a visit to the washroom or just to meet someone for the fun of it.

Then came the vapid lectures conducted almost every single day for different subjects. Noise level was high, sometimes it really went to such an unacceptable extent that I just simply walked out of the room to clear my ears. Other than that, mingling with friends of different classes and completing last minute work which must be handed in the period after.

Guess what, I have gained around 8kg ever since I entered the army, of course not all are fats, but most of them are. I was shocked and I did not know what to do. Goddamnit. The camp's food is too delicious to be a true SAF catered food. Argh! Help me please.

I am suffering from an unknown sickness. I do not know what will that be. I need a professional doctor or specialist to save me. Please save my soul.

I am trying to attain a higher level of divinity by shutting myself up and telling myself that sometimes things are not worth doing so and I will not have to waste my precious time on things like this.

Everything is worth doing it if I have the faith and confidence in myself like I used to.

I've lost all of them, again.

Rambled by kaSh at 2:06 pm

Tuesday, August 09, 2005

Today is my nation's birthday. Happy birthday Singapore. Thank god we have an elite backbone named the Singapore Armed Forces to protect each and every citizen of this nation from threats, wars, disasters... basically the SAF does everything under the sun. Yeah.

A sad thing was I missed the fireworks. It was beautiful through the TV, but you need that atmosphere to really feel how mesmerizing and powerful the flares went and brightened up the entire dark sky. My parent were not home either, so the only thing for me was to drool in front of the television lookinng at those tremendous explosion of the stars.

Another year has gone by for our young nation.

Another day has gone by for me.

I have guard duty tomorrow. It sucks totoally because the entire camp is going to the carnival tomorrow at 10am and they can fall out at 1130am. WTF??? I have to report to camp at 730 am and do guard duty until the next day. Fuck you all, especially you my beloved WSM. Thank you for so much of a biasedness and telling us that YOU ARE BEING FAIR in front of the whole wing. You have done a great job by handling this immaturely and creating a storm in a teacup. __ this is for you.

Come to think of it, 350 bucks per month is way to little to survive in Singapore, don't you think so?

Any upcoming president is willing to raise the pay of your NSF? They not only serve the nation by training so hard that they have to burn their Saturdays and Sundays, but they are also told to do fatigue duties and to guard their beloved camps! How about it?

Show me the money.

Rambled by kaSh at 8:32 pm

Tuesday, August 02, 2005

Most of us have an inner self. An image which we choose to hide from the harsh reality, the cruel and avaricious society. The reasons are no doubt dependant on the individual, however many of us sure do feel the same way when we are stucked in some absurd and acrid situations.

A tough, herculean man who has a soft spoken heart, perhap by nature, the looks portrayed seems to be decieving in most of the situations. Soft spoken, soft hearted and kind by nature.

Conversely someone who looks innocent may have a fiery dragon roosting inside him. Time and again flaring up is not an unusual matter for him, for it may also be dependant on his personality.

This world is indeed balanced in some ways which everyone tends to overlook due to the ever growing society we animals live in. When there is good there will definately be evil lurking somewhere, something which balances off the positive factor and eventually a neutral state will be achieved.

In science, everything is a counter-balance of another; forces work in pairs, charges which eventually cancel out each other, even an ultimate state of emptiness known as a vacuum is said to be a resultant of energies cancelling out with one another.

True to a certain extent.

So ultimately, the world will go back to it's original state one day. Perhaps it takes a few billion years, or perhaps down to a smaller scale, it will take a few days, or weeks.

What goes around, comes around is another part and parcel and inevitable in life. It may not be believable or true, but somehow or rather what we do to others will ultimately come back to us, sad to say, it's the undeniable truth of how diabolic actions this world has crafted by the very personnel who tried to avoid them.

This world is not a good place to be afterall. Good things are short lived, enjoy them while it is possible, which happens to be one of the most important factors in humanity; the spirit to accept things which at times do not go accordingly, taking them into a positive accounts, and soothing themselves by comforting words such as the next will be a better one, and time and again when we try to get something we want to cherish more than anything else, only to find out that we are wasting more than anyone else's time...

Indeed people live happily ever after, for most of us we are forced to indulge in such circumstances to 'live happily ever after' even though the things surrounding us eventually are not the absolute we hope and yield for, and we choose to accept life as it is, realising that the 'perfect world' does not exist in anyone else's mind...

The mind is a great tool. It determines the near full percentage of what your ability sorts to. And because the mind is so powerful that we are classified and higher order beings, ruling the lower intelligent lifeforms dwelling the Earth over the millions of years.

Somehow or rather, my powerful mind tells me not to delineate the world as a horrible, ambigious one.

Somehow or rather my heart tells me I am beyond hope.

Rambled by kaSh at 10:22 pm