Saturday, November 26, 2005

I guess sometimes things which are not supposed to be done cannot be done. Doing things your way will not help in the long run. Forcing things to turn for you will not do good either. That was what I'd learnt a few months back.

Anyways it is another weekend again. To some it is a normal Saturday, doing nothing to whole day except to eat or sleep, hoping for something to happen, and to others, they make their weekends fruitful; talking a walk, enjoying the scenery at the beach/garden/zoo/whatever, oogling at girls in town/city, and all that. They create and find their oppprtunity. They look for them instead waiting for it to occur.

Ask yourself, how many times do we really wait for the golden chance to come, and then when we think thoroughly it is indeed one, and then realise it was already gone forever? Or most of the times we go around searching for something to happen, and at last after a long and painful search you finally found the thing you wanted?

My bad. I know I am ridiculously bored, trying to spout out some nonsense for this entry, to at least keep track on what I will feel in the future, what the heck am I writing all these things for, and most of the time it ended up like this: rubbish.

"If there was an opportunity to look for what I wanted again, I would not turn Fate down again, I would never regret the things which I'd done, I never wanted to make you cry again."

Forgive me, I am traumatized by the shiet around me.

I am mad.
Rambled by kaSh at 8:58 pm

---

Saturday, November 19, 2005

Rambled by kaSh at 12:24 am

---

Saturday, November 12, 2005

I think this is really crap. I cannot write entries which are too long I don't know why.

Anyways this sucks.

It has been close to a year already. I have lived through my life, not knowing what had happened to you, not knowing how did I ever survive the life without you, which I knew if it was a year before, I would not have.

In fact you have not faded from my mind. You never did.

I guess sometimes it is best to leave things as it is. "Let's just pretend we have never met."

I just don't wanna say that ever again to any other people. You changed my life for the better, you took me out from my misery. And yet, you gave me another.

I miss you so badly. So badly until your face still hangs freshly in my mind. Never have I not glance my wallet every now and then just to remind myself that you still exist in my mind.

I miss you. Do you know that? Haiz =(
Rambled by kaSh at 11:59 pm

---

Thursday, November 03, 2005

It was so amazing how much we had gone through, the times we had spent together, the roamings around the streets aimlessly, hoping and wishing something would happen, then suddenly we would just think of something simple to do, like perhaps catching a simple show, and so on..
Sometimes days were so stressful that I comforted you. Although it was just a simple "take good care of yourself" or "relax lah", I meant it from the bottom of my heart. The tone did not sound what I actually meant, however things were always seemed otherwise, the mistaken side of actions and words I'd done and spoken.
Then it came whereby I shared things with you. Stuff which I needed someone to confide to. I knew for a few moments you tried to do that to me too, but I was indifferent at that time, never noticed an such who was all along beside me, waiting for me to discover her inner beauty.
After all the thoughts, I decided to tell you how I felt. Naturally it was astonishing. From that onwards, everything changed. Everything changed for the worse.
We started on with minor squibbles. Then quarrels and gradually shouted at each other. From time and again I did not know who was in the wrong. I blamed everything to myself, I held the responsibility of causing the tears in your heart. Somehow or rather everything just came back again, and it became worse.
Then it naturalised again. I was happy. I thought everything could be redone again. No I was wrong. The eventual results was all but I did not desire.
When you were out there somewhere, everything I sat down, thinking and praying for your safety, wondering about your whereabouts, thinking of you time and again. I missed you so badly, so much that I could not even sleep normally. Every night I longed for you to come back again, telling me that you are still there for me, still with me like you always did.
But things turned the other way round. The day you told me to discontinue everything was the day I started to break down. It was the day I started to get drunk. Drunk for the first time and I did not know what I had done that night. Smoking was bad. Somehow I was overtaken by something so devastating, breaking down and submitted to the cigarettes which I had previously sworn not to take any of them.
I took 4 months to recover the agony. Everything went well and I got on with life, erasing the memories I had with you. Everything regarding you was put aside, out from my heart, out from my mind.
After a year of agony, somehow we have to accept things will not change ultimately. I still feel the pain in my heart. I still feel the devastation, the regretfulness, the everything. I tried every single way to get rid of you, but I just could not, for one thing you left without even looking into my eyes, for one you left without even saying goodbye...
Deep deep inside my heart, no one can convince myself to forget about you, because you left a great impact upon my life, my everything. I felt lost, and still feel lost up till now.... and I know eventually how much have I longed for you, we must understand that we are not meant for each other, anymore...
I just can't take the agony anymore...
Rambled by kaSh at 9:50 pm

---